Big, Fat Nothing

That is what happened during this week's weigh-in. I didn't gain or lose. I stayed right at 307 lbs which is a little disappointing. My first reaction was the same as it had been in the past. "Forget this!! Let's eat a cake! It's not working anyway." I had to take a step back and think about what is going on and how the past week went.

My schedule changed with my son being in school and I'm still adjusting to that. I know I haven't been eating as well as I should. I've actually skipped breakfast two days this past week because I was volunteering at my son's preschool.

I've been snacking a lot and even though I've stayed within my points most days, I know that I haven't made the best choices. And I'll confess..I had a milkshake. I was dying for one and I had to have it. It was so good but it was also 18 points. I did stay within my points for that day but using 18 points on a milkshake wasn't the best idea. We also went out to Chinese Buffet last Friday night. I went over my points that day but I had my weekly points to use. It was the first time I had used any of those.

Add in the fact that exercising was relegated to only 2 days this past week and I think I see why my weight loss may have stalled this week. I just have to suck it up and get back on the program. I need to make time to exercise and go back to eating healthy each day. I can do this!!

Now for some good news. As always, I pulled out my trusty tape measure to see if I've lost any inches. I've mentioned before that I love to do that when I don't lose as much as I would like that week because if I can see a loss in inches it really helps keep me motivated. And thankfully, I did see results there. It's been a month since I took my last set of measurements and during that month I've lost 2" off of my waist, 1" from my hips and 1/2" off of my thigh. That is a total of 3.5" in a month and grand total of 16.5" since I started this journey. That is a whole lot of me that is gone. And that makes me happy!

Wow...That Hurts

Tonight while I was tucking my beautiful 4-yr old son into bed, he said “You are fat.” My heart broke into ten million little pieces. I know I’m fat. I discuss being fat on this blog all the time. But to have my child say that really hurt.

I started to think about how lucky I’ve been my whole life when it came to having my weight thrown in my face. I wasn’t teased for being fat in school. My sister, who I fought with all the time, never once brought up my weight during any of our fights and trust me, we fought a lot. There was ample opportunity for her to hit me where it hurts. But she never did. I think I was only called “fat” to my face in a derogatory manner once when I was growing up and my response to that was “That’s the best you got? Really?”. Sure, it hurt a little but it was the truth. Calling me “stupid” in a fight would have bothered me more than calling me “fat”.

Ten or so years after I graduated, the wife of a very close friend whom I had grown up with, asked her husband if he ever teased me about my weight when we were kids. He said “No. She is my friend.” That was the entire explanation and that, in a nutshell, explains my childhood in regards to my weight. I was shy and didn’t date in high school because of my weight. But I was lucky enough to have friends who were unbelievably mature enough back then to like me for me and everyone else around us in school just followed their lead. We all know that children can be cruel but, looking back, I didn’t have to deal with that particular cruelty during my childhood and teenage years.

Hearing those words, words I never had to hear from anyone else, come from my own child’s mouth shocked me. I immediately asked him where he had heard this since he had just started preschool. I wanted to make sure that there wasn’t any teasing being done at school. He said he heard it on TV. I was relieved it wasn’t at school and I definitely don’t want him to start saying this to anyone at school. I immediately asked him why he would say that to me and he said he didn’t know. The sad thing is that I know he didn’t know why he said it. He is just now discovering the concepts of “skinny” and “fat” and is using them without fully understanding their social connotations.

I explained to him that Mommy is fat. Mommy does carry extra weight on her that she is trying to lose. I also explained that it is not okay to say things to other people regarding their weight whether they are skinny or fat. It’s hurtful and cruel. I know we are going to have to revisit this topic again. After all, he is only four years old. He hasn’t yet realized the power that words hold.

I don’t want him to be that mean child that makes fun of other kids because of their weight or any other reason they are considered to be not the “norm”. I want him to be better than that. I want him to be like the friend I mentioned earlier. I want him to be the one that simply answers “She is my friend.”

Wednesday Weigh-In

Another week has passed and to my surprise I have dropped another 2 lbs which puts me at 37 lbs total. Why am I surprised you may ask? Because my dreaded monthly visitor also arrived this morning and she usually brings plenty of heavy baggage with her. It is great news whenever I show a weight loss but especially when it coincides with a visit from her.

I'm so excited! I'm only 8 lbs away from bidding a not-so-fond farewell to the 300s. Can't wait to say goodbye to them!!

Throw Out the Crap!

Okay, if you have been keeping up you know that I recently ventured into that scary, dark place called my closet and actually had some success. For once, I didn’t come out of there feeling like the ugliest, fattest person in the world. It was a nice change and a bright moment on this journey I’ve started. But, I also noticed that some of my clothes (no matter what size they are) are just ugly. I’m not going to wear those again and I have to wonder what in the hell I was thinking when I bought some of them..LOL You know you have some of those in your closet too. Don’t try to deny it. LOL

We all have those clothes. Those ones that were in style when you bought them but you wouldn’t wear it now even if you could fit into it. Or those ones that you bought just because it fit and you needed something NOW. So you settled on that ugly shirt or pants. They may not even be ugly…just not really your style. How about those clothes that are missing a button or have a popped seam? You planned on fixing them one day when you can actually fit into them again. But are you really going to? I know I’m not. I didn’t like them enough to fix them before so chances are I’m not going to do it now.

I decided to quit lying to myself and throw out the crap. Toss out of those clothes I know I’m NEVER going to wear again no matter how much weight I lose. I mean, come on, really? The lime-green T-shirt with the rhinestones around the collar? Yeah, it was cute when I bought it but the hems on the sleeves unraveled years ago and I’m not going to fix them. Really, I’m not. LOL Same with the teal version of that T-shirt. Those cream-colored work pants that I bought 6 years ago from Target? Yeah, they are a size 24 and actually fit me. That should make me happy, right? Did I mention they are cream?!! Yeah, like I really need to wear light colors on my bottom half. I hate them!! I hated them when I bought them and every single time I wore them but I bought them because I couldn’t find anything else that fit. I have other options now so they are out of here. Along with a whole slew of faded black pants. Seriously, I’m never going to dye them black again. It’s time to quit lying to myself…LOL. That pile just grew and grew. And I didn’t care. It felt great to get rid of the crap taking up space in my closet. Great to realize that just because I can fit into those clothes again doesn’t mean I have to wear them.

And isn’t the best part of losing weight buying new clothes? Yeah, I could say it is feeling healthy, breathing easier, moving faster…but we all know the truth. It’s the clothes. Buying new, beautiful, fashionable, SMALLER clothes is one of the best perks of losing weight. It’s one of the things that push me forward. The thought of all those new clothes I am going to have to buy. And the bonus to all this? The hubby can’t complain when I buy new clothes because when I say “I have nothing to wear” it will be the truth this time…LOL

Find a Litte Happiness in Your Closet...Really!

Want a great ego boost? Hit your closet. Seriously!! I know that as one of the "fluffy' brigade, my closet is not my favorite place. Honestly, if I had to rank my top ten favorite spots in my house, my closet wouldn't even make the list. And I live in a small house so that is pretty bad...LOL But today, I actually found a little happiness in that horrible, dark place called my closet.

If you are overweight by any amount, you know you have clothes in your closet that don’t fit. Those clothes you are holding onto until “someday”. They may be one, two, or as in my case, ten sizes too small. But they are so cute, right?! It would break your heart to throw them out plus that means giving up. So we just keep them in the back of the closet waiting to be worn again. We judge how well are diets or new lifestyles (to each their own..LOL) are working by the progress we have made getting into those smaller clothes. And yes, I agree that can be great but it can also be discouraging if they don’t fit yet. You just may not be far enough along the journey for those smaller clothes. I've lost 35 lbs in the last 5 months and only have gone from a 28 to a 26. It would be great if I went from a 28 to a 12 in the same amount of time but that isn’t going to happen. No sense in depressing myself trying to get into clothes that I have no hope of fitting into yet. So, let's just leave those clothes in the back of the closet and talk about those other ones.

You know the ones I’m talking about. The clothes that were tight before you started losing weight. Those that were just small enough to be uncomfortable but you could almost squeeze into them. The pants or tops that didn’t look right anymore even though you could technically get them on…as long as breathing isn’t a requirement..LOL Yeah, you know the ones. I can see you all nodding…LOL

I spent about an hour this afternoon doing just that and I discovered a few things. I have some really great clothes that I didn’t like anymore because they didn’t fit right. Now they actually fit the way they were designed to and they look great. Tops that have bands on the bottom are now loose or just fit correctly across my hips instead of looking like the seams are going to break if I dare sit down. Okay, I admit I do have a few that did rip apart at some point. God Bless my mother-in-law because she is a great seamstress.

I also tried on pants that I didn’t have to lay on the bed to get zipped or move the waist band up and down until I find the right spot where I can just get them buttoned. Then you have to do that weird straight leg stand up so you don’t bend anywhere…because you just can’t. Surprise, surprise. For the first time in who knows how long, all those pants fit as soon as I put them on. ALL OF THEM!! Matter of fact, some were big. Scratch that. The majority of them were big and loose from the get go. I didn’t have to tell myself “Oh well, they will stretch as I wear them.” Now I have to tell myself “I hope they stay up once they stretch out.” And you know that was nice to say. Put a huge smile on my face and yeah, I even (gulp) felt pretty in some of them. I was feeling pretty good when I was done messing around in there.

Try it. Hit your closet and try on some clothes that were a smidge tight. I bet they are looser. And I’ll bet you walk out with a smile on your face. Just stay away from those ones in the back. Those are for later.

Some of My Favorite Foods

Here is a list of the foods and snacks that I've discovered so far on this journey. Most of these have become staples in our house and my entire family is eating them.

Thomas Bagel Thins - A great substitute for a regular bagel. They just cut the middle section out of a bagel so you get all the good crispiness when toasted. They come in Whole Wheat, Everything and Plain. Best part? Only 1 point for the whole bagel. Top it with one wedge of Laughing Cow Light Creamy Garlic and Herb Cheese (another point) and you have a delicious breakfast for only 2 points!!

Special K Red Berries Cereal – 1 cup is only 2 points and it is so delicious!

Oroweat Sandwich Thins - they come in the round bun shape or the long skinny ones called Fill'ems. The long shape is great for hotdogs or big sandiwches. Best part is that the entire bun is only 1 point.

Sara Lee 45 Calorie Bread - you can get two slices of bread for 1 point!!

Edamame in the Pods – a great snack. One cup is only 1 point. Since you have to pop them out of the shell, they take a while to eat and are packed with protein. I get the ones that are lightly salted so it satisfies that snacking bug that wants chips.

Cucumbers – English to be precise. Love, love, love them. Sliced with a little sprinkle of salt, served with hummus or sprinkled with red wine or balsamic vinegar. Delish!!

Hummus – oh, how I love thee!! Great to have with carrots or cucumber slices in place of chips with a sandwich. My favorite? Sabra Roasted Red Pepper…to die for!

Beefsteak Tomatoes – sliced with a drizzle of ranch dressing. I got so sick of salads. This makes the perfect substitution.

Frozen Fruit – I eat a bowl of frozen fruit instead of popcorn sometimes when I watch a movie. It takes a while to eat and usually runs 1-2 points for the bowl. I love the one with strawberries, peaches, pineapple and mango.

Fast Food – Can anyone say Taco Bell? I love their crunchy tacos fresco style. Only 3 points each and you feel like you are being sooo bad…LOL

Salmon – I love salmon!! We usually have it topped with a reduction of balsamic vinegar sweetened with a little honey or brown sugar. Makes a perfect glaze for the fish. Even my 2 year old daughter loves salmon!

Popcorn – Microwave, 94% fat free is only 1 point for 5 cups!! So, the whole bowl is mine, mine, mine!! LOL

Desserts – I love desserts and Weight Watchers Smart Ones Desserts are my favorite. Even my Hubby is eating them all the time. I love the Key Lime Pie (only 4 points) and the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream Sundae…so good!

Skinny Cow Individual Ice Cream Cups – at only 2-3 points each they are a must for any ice cream lover. So good and a perfect portion.

I'll update this list as I make new discoveries and I'd love to hear what some of your favorite foods and snacks. (And my dear Leslie - no chocolate and peanut butter...LOL)

Measuring Cups and Spoons Evil?

I really detest measuring my food. It takes time and is really annoying. But I’ve realized it is a necessary evil for me to reach my goal. As a nation, our idea of a portion of food is on the large side…the really, really large side. We always want the most, the biggest amount.even when it isn’t good for us. I know that Super Sizing at a fast-food restaurant had become second nature for me. I’ve had to relearn what a normal portion of food looks likes and realized that my sense of portion is completely skewed.

For example, a ½ cup of rice looks really small to me and a cup of rice looks really big. Neither of them look the way I think that amount of rice should look. My expectations of each measurement contradict each other. A tablespoon of mayonnaise is so tiny but 2 tablespoons is way too much. And for the record, the spoons you eat with, big and small, are not equal to a tablespoon or a teaspoon like I always thought. Especially if you are piling it up on the spoon…LOL And I know I do that.

And don’t even get me started on the ounce measurement. That one is soooo tricky!! I thought 2 ounces of turkey lunchmeat would be nothing so I would need 6 ounces on my sandwich. I brought out the trusty food scale and realized that 6 ounces of meat was a ridiculous amount to put on a sandwich. That is almost half a pound!! Two to three ounces actually works best. Gives me the thick sandwich I love without straying into the are-you-out-of-your-mind category.

Yes, I have now become the person who measures her food. The measuring cups, spoons and the scale are constantly being used and while it is annoying it is also eye-opening. I find that I am eating much smaller portions now that I can see the measurements. And I think the results speak for themselves, right? As long as I keep losing, I guess I’ll keep measuring.

Fat Paralysis

Fat has a little known side-effect. It paralyzes you. Not just the physical weight of it which can make certain activities difficult but it also feeds on your fear. It makes you want to hide and not do anything. It leaves you afraid of being judged, afraid of being ridiculed, and afraid of being rejected by the world outside for just trying to fit in. And because of this paralysis, there are so many activities that just pass you by.

I was talking to my cousin, Sweet Bippy, about this very subject. She mentioned that she has a list of things she wants to do when she reaches her weight goal (which I’m hoping she will share with us). I thought that was an incredible idea so I started a list of my own.

Here is what I am looking forward to as I get smaller:

• White water rafting - yep, I really want to do it! They offer it in Three Rivers right next to where we go camping.

• Kayaking in Morro Bay - I see people doing this and it looks like so much fun

• Going to Disneyland and riding all the rides without the fear that I won’t fit

• Flying on an airplane (without spilling over the seat) and being able to travel without embarrassment

• Water slides - I really want to take the kids to the water park but I’m too embarrassed right now

• Go-karts – I want to take the kids and go racing

I’m sure there are many more things that I want to do and I’ll keep adding to this list as I think of them. But these will do for a start. Something to strive for…breaking through the Fat Paralysis.

What is on your list?

P.S. – You should check out Sweet Bippy’s blog “Sweet Bippy Cooks” at http://sweetbippycooks.blogspot.com/. My cuz is a fabulous cook and has been since we were kids. I miss her cooking but love having access to her recipes! Love ya Sweet Bippy!!

Hello 10%

Today was my weigh-in day and I’m thrilled to report that I’ve lost 3 lbs this week!! After losing only 1 lb last week, seeing this 3 lb loss made me ecstatic. But the best part is that I’ve hit my 10% goal. Well, actually a little more than 10%. I only needed to lose 34.4 lbs to reach my 10% weight loss goal but I’ve lost a total of 35 lbs.

This means I am I’ve lost 10% of me!! I take up 10% more room when I sit in a chair or on a couch. I am 90% of the woman I used to be…LOL (When I mentioned that to the Hubby he said he still loved me 100%..sometimes he is so sweet!) It is an incredibly awesome feeling. I know I am on the right track and reaching this goal proves to me that I can do this. I not only can but will keep going!!

And yes for all of you who truly know me, I did a happy dance all around the house!! There was just 10% less of me to dance...LOL

Bitter Pill

I know it has been a while since I posted. I haven’t been feeling well for the last few weeks. I was not in the mood to write or basically do anything. I’ve spent every day on the verge of tears and I’ve just been an emotional mess. I am constantly balancing on the edge of this big black abyss known as depression. I know that if I fall, I will disappear into it forever. It’s a scary feeling and I hate it. I’ve stumbled a bit lately which led to an extremely emotional and unhappy me. Basically, I just lost myself for a bit.

But I did make a very important discovery over the last few weeks. I was reading Shape magazine and came across an article where a doctor said that exercise was important in fighting depression. I know in my last post I said I was going to get back into exercising again and I did for a day but I couldn’t get it together to do it again. But after I read that article, I swear you could see the light bulb turn on over my head. I put two and two together and realized that I had become more depressed the longer I went without exercising. My mom also mentioned that I was much happier when I was exercising. And she was right. Not only was exercising good for my overall physical well-being but it was also good for a my mental health.

As a life-long member of the” I Hate Exercise Club” this is a bitter pill to swallow. But the truth is the truth. I need to exercise and not just to lose weight which I’ve always seen as the main benefit of exercising. I need to do it to keep myself mentally and emotionally fit. To help me balance on the edge of that abyss. I’m back to exercising 5-6 days a week using the Wii and the treadmill and I already feel better.