Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Woman in the Mirror

I hate the mirror.  Really, really hate it.  Actually, if I'm perfectly honest, I hate the reflection in the mirror.  This is not a news flash.  I know I'm not happy with what I see but I didn't realize how uncomfortable it makes me to look in the mirror until today. 

I was at physical therapy doing my exercises in front of a wall full of mirrors.  Basically, my version of hell.  Exercising and mirrors.  What sadist came up with this one?..LOL  Anyway, I noticed that I don't look at myself while I'm doing the exercise which is the entire point of having the wall of mirrors.  So you can see what you are doing and how you are doing it.  I look everywhere but at me.  I look at other people, focus on objects, and even let my eyes go completely unfocused so I don't have to see what's right in front of me.  I hate my fat, flabby arms.  I despise my big legs.  And please, oh please, don't let my shirt come up over my stomach.  I spend so much time pulling my shirt down that it takes me longer to do some of the exercises than it should.  I can't wait for the exercises to be over so I can escape from that big girl in the mirror. 

I tried to make myself stare at my reflection and I just couldn't do it.  My eyes went sideways, up or down.  Anywhere but straight ahead.  Seeing me, looking at me, made me very uncomfortable. My gaze would stay straight ahead for a few seconds and then veer off.  I tried again and again.  But I kept looking away.  In those few seconds when I would actually look at my reflection, I could see every single physical flaw that I have....every bump, lump, wrinkle, and sag.  

I thought about this on the way home and it dawned on me that I am my worst critic.  I am so mean to myself.  I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way I treat myself.  This behavior says a lot about me.  I haven't come as far as I think I have mentally, emotionally or physically. I'm still that fat little girl who really doesn't like herself.  It's time to change this behavior.  To change how I feel about the woman in the mirror. I just need to figure out how.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

The Big "D"

Discipline...the big "D" in my world.  A friend of mine (who is in fantastic shape) mentioned that it's all about discipline.  That has been going around and around and around my little brain.  I decided to look it up and here is the definition according to Webster.

Discipline - a way of behaving that shows a willingness to obey rules or order

Now see that last part...the part about obeying rules? That's where you lost me.  I hate being told what to do.  Ask my dear husband or my parents.  I hate it more than anything and being the contrary soul that I am, I will do the exact opposite of what I'm told to do.  Have I mentioned I have issues?...LOL  Seriously, I even hate being told what to do by myself.  I want to rebel against everything and prove them all wrong.  I know that eating a salad is better than a burger.  That yogurt is a better choice than ice cream.  That everything is good for you in small amounts.  Etc., etc.  All the healthy eating rules.  I know them.  You don't get to be my size without knowing what you should do.  It's the doing it that is the problem.  I want to do what I want to do and still have it work out.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.  I put on a pair of pants this morning and they were way too tight.  Pants that fit me not more than two weeks ago.  I'm up a total of 20 lbs from my lowest weight after surgery.  WTH?!!!  What is wrong with me?  I am my own worst enemy.  This morning was a huge wake up call.  Everything I've fought for and all the progress I've made is going to be lost if I don't get my stuff together.
I need discipline.  Ew, just typing that made me shiver.  But I know it's what I need.  It's time to suck it up and admit that the rules are there for a reason.  They make sense even though the little brat inside of me just rebels at the thought of it.  I know that following the rules will get me to my goals.  I still want to lose 75 lbs.  I want to see that scale move down.  I want to fit into smaller clothes.  I want to be healthier and get back to being fit.  I keep trying to do it but trying isn't good enough.  I need to just DO IT!!!  I need the discipline to keep on track, to eat right, to make good choices and to work out daily again.  I used to be able to do this.  I just hate that I HAVE to do it.  Gosh, I am a mess...LOL   

I can't exercise the way I want to because of my back but I CAN DO SOMETHING!!  I can track my food again (which I started today).  I will also start getting up early and working out before work.  Yep, I said it.  It's out there now.  Starting tomorrow, I will get up at 5am and do Piyo, TurboJam, or TurboFire.  I may not be able to go all out but I can still move. 

Let it begin...the discipline starts today!


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