The Woman in the Mirror

I hate the mirror.  Really, really hate it.  Actually, if I'm perfectly honest, I hate the reflection in the mirror.  This is not a news flash.  I know I'm not happy with what I see but I didn't realize how uncomfortable it makes me to look in the mirror until today. 

I was at physical therapy doing my exercises in front of a wall full of mirrors.  Basically, my version of hell.  Exercising and mirrors.  What sadist came up with this one?..LOL  Anyway, I noticed that I don't look at myself while I'm doing the exercise which is the entire point of having the wall of mirrors.  So you can see what you are doing and how you are doing it.  I look everywhere but at me.  I look at other people, focus on objects, and even let my eyes go completely unfocused so I don't have to see what's right in front of me.  I hate my fat, flabby arms.  I despise my big legs.  And please, oh please, don't let my shirt come up over my stomach.  I spend so much time pulling my shirt down that it takes me longer to do some of the exercises than it should.  I can't wait for the exercises to be over so I can escape from that big girl in the mirror. 

I tried to make myself stare at my reflection and I just couldn't do it.  My eyes went sideways, up or down.  Anywhere but straight ahead.  Seeing me, looking at me, made me very uncomfortable. My gaze would stay straight ahead for a few seconds and then veer off.  I tried again and again.  But I kept looking away.  In those few seconds when I would actually look at my reflection, I could see every single physical flaw that I have....every bump, lump, wrinkle, and sag.  

I thought about this on the way home and it dawned on me that I am my worst critic.  I am so mean to myself.  I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way I treat myself.  This behavior says a lot about me.  I haven't come as far as I think I have mentally, emotionally or physically. I'm still that fat little girl who really doesn't like herself.  It's time to change this behavior.  To change how I feel about the woman in the mirror. I just need to figure out how.