The Woman in the Mirror

I hate the mirror.  Really, really hate it.  Actually, if I'm perfectly honest, I hate the reflection in the mirror.  This is not a news flash.  I know I'm not happy with what I see but I didn't realize how uncomfortable it makes me to look in the mirror until today. 

I was at physical therapy doing my exercises in front of a wall full of mirrors.  Basically, my version of hell.  Exercising and mirrors.  What sadist came up with this one?..LOL  Anyway, I noticed that I don't look at myself while I'm doing the exercise which is the entire point of having the wall of mirrors.  So you can see what you are doing and how you are doing it.  I look everywhere but at me.  I look at other people, focus on objects, and even let my eyes go completely unfocused so I don't have to see what's right in front of me.  I hate my fat, flabby arms.  I despise my big legs.  And please, oh please, don't let my shirt come up over my stomach.  I spend so much time pulling my shirt down that it takes me longer to do some of the exercises than it should.  I can't wait for the exercises to be over so I can escape from that big girl in the mirror. 

I tried to make myself stare at my reflection and I just couldn't do it.  My eyes went sideways, up or down.  Anywhere but straight ahead.  Seeing me, looking at me, made me very uncomfortable. My gaze would stay straight ahead for a few seconds and then veer off.  I tried again and again.  But I kept looking away.  In those few seconds when I would actually look at my reflection, I could see every single physical flaw that I have....every bump, lump, wrinkle, and sag.  

I thought about this on the way home and it dawned on me that I am my worst critic.  I am so mean to myself.  I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way I treat myself.  This behavior says a lot about me.  I haven't come as far as I think I have mentally, emotionally or physically. I'm still that fat little girl who really doesn't like herself.  It's time to change this behavior.  To change how I feel about the woman in the mirror. I just need to figure out how.

The Big "D"

Discipline...the big "D" in my world.  A friend of mine (who is in fantastic shape) mentioned that it's all about discipline.  That has been going around and around and around my little brain.  I decided to look it up and here is the definition according to Webster.

Discipline - a way of behaving that shows a willingness to obey rules or order

Now see that last part...the part about obeying rules? That's where you lost me.  I hate being told what to do.  Ask my dear husband or my parents.  I hate it more than anything and being the contrary soul that I am, I will do the exact opposite of what I'm told to do.  Have I mentioned I have issues?...LOL  Seriously, I even hate being told what to do by myself.  I want to rebel against everything and prove them all wrong.  I know that eating a salad is better than a burger.  That yogurt is a better choice than ice cream.  That everything is good for you in small amounts.  Etc., etc.  All the healthy eating rules.  I know them.  You don't get to be my size without knowing what you should do.  It's the doing it that is the problem.  I want to do what I want to do and still have it work out.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.  I put on a pair of pants this morning and they were way too tight.  Pants that fit me not more than two weeks ago.  I'm up a total of 20 lbs from my lowest weight after surgery.  WTH?!!!  What is wrong with me?  I am my own worst enemy.  This morning was a huge wake up call.  Everything I've fought for and all the progress I've made is going to be lost if I don't get my stuff together.
 
I need discipline.  Ew, just typing that made me shiver.  But I know it's what I need.  It's time to suck it up and admit that the rules are there for a reason.  They make sense even though the little brat inside of me just rebels at the thought of it.  I know that following the rules will get me to my goals.  I still want to lose 75 lbs.  I want to see that scale move down.  I want to fit into smaller clothes.  I want to be healthier and get back to being fit.  I keep trying to do it but trying isn't good enough.  I need to just DO IT!!!  I need the discipline to keep on track, to eat right, to make good choices and to work out daily again.  I used to be able to do this.  I just hate that I HAVE to do it.  Gosh, I am a mess...LOL   

I can't exercise the way I want to because of my back but I CAN DO SOMETHING!!  I can track my food again (which I started today).  I will also start getting up early and working out before work.  Yep, I said it.  It's out there now.  Starting tomorrow, I will get up at 5am and do Piyo, TurboJam, or TurboFire.  I may not be able to go all out but I can still move. 

Let it begin...the discipline starts today!

Dear Scale....

"Dear Scale, we need to talk.  It's nothing personal but we need to break up.  It's not me...it's you."  

The other night my son decided to join me during my workout.  I love when this happens because it shows that what I'm doing is actually working.  I want my "journey to health" to benefit me and my babies.  I've spent most of my life being overweight and unhealthy.  Naturally, I want better for them.  I want to instill a love of exercise and being active while they are young so they don't have to deal with all the baggage that comes along with being obese.  

Unfortunately, the example I am setting isn't always a good one and I don't even realize I'm doing it until it slaps me in the face.  After we finished working out, my 8 year old son ran into the bathroom and weighed himself to see if he lost weight.  A child should NOT be worried about how much they weight.  I've always told them that it is about being healthy and not being skinny.  That Mommy was working this hard because she wanted to be a healthy person.  I told him the number on the scale didn't matter.  What mattered was that he just did a workout and had fun doing it.  Of course, he looked at me like I was crazy.  I'm not fooling him at all.  Both my children see me weigh myself all of the time.  I'm obsessed with the scale.  I'm happy when the number goes down and depressed when it doesn't.  And heaven forbid it goes up.  Yikes!!  I realized at this moment that I definitely talk the talk but I don't walk the walk.

It's important to remember that our kids are always watching us.  They don't only observe what we want them to see.  They see EVERYTHING.  They mirror our behaviors and habits.  We don't realize how destructive some of those behaviors are until we see our little ones doing the same thing. Instead of just talking to my kids about being healthy and expecting them to just listen to me (like that ever happens...LOL), I need to set a better example.  I think it's time to break up with my scale.  Or at least limit our dates. :-)

Minute 21

I admit it.  I don't always want to exercise.  There is always something else I'd rather do...read, watch TV, craft...anything but move.  Those are  the days when I reluctantly dress in my exercise clothes, put on the DVD and grudgingly start warming up.  Those first 20 minutes are torture.  I find excuse after excuse running through my mind.  

"I'm tired."

"I need to pay bills"

"I want to read."

"I'll do it tomorrow.  Yeah, in the morning, that's it."

All I have to do is shut off the DVD player and walk away.  No one will know.  It will be okay.  Tomorrow sounds better anyway.   

But I keep going because I know that right around minute 21 something wonderful is going to happen.  Those endorphins kick in and I'm on fire.  I'm jumping and kicking and punching.  I'm smiling as sweat drips down into my eyes because I nailed that jump kick.  I'm running and doing air jacks.  Yeah, I can do this.  I'm breathing hard and working even harder.  Sweat pouring off of me.  And I feel amazing.  I feel alive and like I can do anything.

I love minute 21.

Life Get's In The Way

Days 4 and 5 of my 90 day TurboFire/ChaLEAN Extreme workout turned out to be unscheduled rest days.  Sunday was busy with family in town and a birthday party.  Monday involved kids, work and chores.  Normally, this kind of interruption to my schedule would send me for a loop.  I wouldn't be able to get back on track and it might be days before I started working out again.  It's that all or nothing mentality. One little slip, one deviation and I go off the deep end.

I'm trying to take a different tack now.  Go with the flow.  Realize that life happens and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm not always going to be in control.  This is probably one of the hardest things for me to do.  I'm such a control freak.  I want everything to go exactly as planned and when it doesn't I react badly.  I throw up my hands in frustration and walk away.  That isn't healthy in a whole lot of ways and I'm doing my best to change.  

Today was Day 6 and I did the workout from Day 4.  And guess what?  The world didn't end. 

Imagine that.  

TurboFire/ChaLEAN Extreme Hybrid Workout Schedule

I started the first month of my 3 month hybrid workout schedule using my very favorite workouts - TurboFire and ChaLEAN Extreme.  Both of these workouts were created by Chalene Johnson who is an amazing fitness expert and coach.  I fell in love with her workouts.  They are motivating and fun.  Yes, I said exercise was fun.  Please don't faint.  LOL

ChaLEAN Extreme uses resistance training to build lean muscle and the more lean muscle you have the more fat you burn. And I have a ton of fat to burn!!

TurboFire is the most fun I've ever had exercising.  It is a cardio conditioning program.  You jump, punch, and kick to great music.  Plus, it is a great stress reliever.  Just imagine their face every time you punch...LOL 

And they both have Chalene in them. I find her so inspiring and yes, I feel like she is talking directly to me. I actually catch myself answering back sometimes...LOL 

The schedule I created alternates resistance training and cardio including HIIT workouts.  I'm hoping that this will shake things up for me and get the scale moving in the right direction.

Time Flies

The old saying "Time flies when you're having fun" is definitely true.  Actually, it just seems to fly by whether I'm having fun or not.  It's been almost a year since I've written on this blog or even thought about it.  So much has changed during that time (which I'll get into during later posts) and some things have stayed the same.  Like my weight.  Oh yes, the dreaded "w" word.  I'm at 240 lbs.  Just two lbs less than I was a year ago when I was last here.  Not really encouraging.  Actually, it's pretty depressing.  2 lbs in a year?!!!  That's it?!!  All this working out and that's all I get?!!  How sad.  It's 1 1/2 years after surgery and I'm not at goal.  And I don't have 5, 10, or even 20 lbs to go.  I have 65 lbs to reach goal. 

That little fat girl inside me is alive and well and doing her happy dance.  You remember her, right?  She is the negative part of me that says I will always be fat, I will always be unhealthy, and I will always be a loser.  A great big fat loser. She started jumping for joy in my head because she was right and I was wrong.  I can't do this.  I'll never be able to do this. 

Now I can let her win.  Let her drag me back down.  I can stop working out.  Stop trying to eat right...still working on that one.  I can do that.  Or I can prove the little witch wrong.  Sure, I'm only 2 lbs down from a year ago but you know what else that means?  It means I've kept 104 lbs off for over a year!!  That is a victory.  That is awesome.  I haven't gained it all back plus some like I normally did.  I even got down to 227 at one point and I can do it again.  I'm healthier than I've been in years.  I can move around for 55 minutes doing TurboFire workouts and burn almost 600 calories during that time.  I can jump (both feet off the ground at the same time people!!). I can walk for 2 miles and feel just fine.  I'm heading to Vegas in a week and I'm looking forward to walking all over the strip and seeing the hotels because I can. I can paint my own freaking toes!!  I am able do things I haven't been able to do for years.  I've come too far to let her win.

Yes, I am at the point in my journey where the weight doesn't just fall off.  I have to struggle and believe me, I earn every single pound I lose.  And you know what?  That makes it mean that much more.  Each pound I lose, each size I drop, each time I can move faster, walk farther, all that means that much more because I have to work hard at it.  I am proving to myself and that little fat girl inside that I CAN DO THIS!!  It will take time.  It will take hard work.  This is not an easy journey for the fainthearted.  This is a journey for the fighter inside me.  Not that little fat girl.  She can bite me!