ThisClose

This week I've lost another 2 lbs which puts me at an even 300. I am "thisclose" to being below 300 lbs. It is so frustrating! While I should just be celebrating a loss of any type, I can't help but wish it would have just been a little bit more so I can get out of the 300s completely. I have to remind myself that this is a good week! Slow and steady is what is going to do it in the long run. If I get anything from this journey besides good health, it may just be patience, a trait I've always lacked...LOL

Also, I found myself getting a little depressed that I weigh 300 lbs at all. I wish it was less. I'm ashamed that I ever got this big and seeing how much I still have to lose, well...it is disheartening. It makes the 44 lbs I've lost seem inconsequential. But I can't think that way. If I do, I know I will lose all the progress I've made so far on this journey. I need to remember that 44 lbs is 44 lbs no matter what I weighed when I started.

I also need to remember that I'm gaining muscle from exercising. That I can do so many things now that I couldn't do before. Remind myself how much better I feel and while I may not be happy with the number on the scale, it is going down and not up. And that is always good, right?

Another Moment I Am Able to Enjoy

My daughter received her first big girl bike with training wheels yesterday. Her cousin, Tori, was nice enough to hand it on down. Love that!!

Lili was riding in the front yard and we all took turns helping her while she was getting the hang of it. It dawned on me when I was taking my turn that I didn't try to get out of chasing her down the street like I have in the past. I was enjoying myself running after and being part of this moment in her life. I wasn't on the sidelines like I have been in the past. My weight wasn't holding me back this time. Another moment in my life that I am able to enjoy because I'm on this journey. I love it!!

Another 2 Lbs Bites the Dust

Yeah!! I've lost another 2 lbs which puts me at 42 lbs lost. I can't believe that I am already this far along on my journey. I feel fantastic!! I am wearing a pair of jeans today that I haven't been able to wear in at least 4 years. My bra is on the middle set of hooks instead of the last. My t-shirts fit so much better and I no longer look pregnant..LOL

Every day I notice something I like better about the way I move, or how my clothes fit, or just how I feel. This is a really hard journey but it is worth every bit of effort I can put into it. Let me rephrase that....I'M WORTH EVERY BIT OF EFFORT!!

Fat TV

Lately, the TV landscape seems to be deluged with television shows centered on overweight characters. Okay, maybe not “deluged” since there are only three shows but in TV land that is a huge amount. Most TV show characters are thin, tiny, and unrealistic. As we all know, the average woman in the good ol’ US of A is a size 14 but most people on TV are a size 0-2. Yes, they are beautiful and we all wish we were that size because being thin is portrayed as being happy. Well, at least happier than anyone is who is fat. A portrayal that isn't exactly true to life. You can be thin and miserable or happy and fat or vice versa. Until recently, "fat" characters were the sidekicks in the majority of programs.

Enter the “fat” shows. I’ve seen all three of the shows and I like them for different reasons. And yes, I totally identify with them.

• HUGE on ABC Family. This shows centers around overweight teenagers sent to a “fat camp”. It’s compelling and very well acted. The actors are all extremely talented and as the title implies, large. The characters deal with all the normal teenage angst along with being overweight. I was an obese teenager and these characters speak to that fat teenager inside.

• DROP DEAD DIVA on Lifetime. A fabulously beautiful, thin, blonde and slightly ditzy aspiring model dies and comes back in the body of an overweight, brunette and brilliant lawyer. This could be a disaster of a show with all the usual situations but it has heart. The actress who plays the main character is brilliant!! You find yourself loving both sides to her character: the aspiring model and the overweight lawyer. I love how the model now has to see the world from a different point of view and how the model's outgoing personality isn’t overshadowed by her new physique.

• MIKE AND MOLLY on CBS. This show premiered last night and it is your classic 30 minute sitcom. An overweight teacher and an overweight cop meet at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting and are smitten. In the first episode, you see their struggles with life from dealing with relationships to changing their eating and exercise habits. They are both very cute characters and I’ve seen the actors on other shows in supporting parts. It’s nice to see them given the chance to play the leads. I can identify with the fat jokes that Mike and Molly do during the show. That is a classic fat-coping technique that I’ve used myself on numerous occasions. We have to make fun of ourselves before anyone else can. It is so much easier when we make the fat jokes. I also empathized with the speech which brings up a fear I think a lot of single, overweight people share. That once we lose the weight we still won’t be lovable or attractive. That being overweight isn’t really the reason we are alone. I remember that so well.

If you haven’t seen any of these shows yet, I highly recommend them. It’s nice to see the subject of obesity tackled with sensitivity and gentle humor on TV. Quite the change.

10 Things I Can Now Do

Losing 40 pounds sounds like a lot and it sounds like a little depending on the context. I know 40 pounds is a lot of weight. The thought of picking up 40 pounds and carrying it any distance at all exhausts me. On the other hand, it looks like a small amount in the grand scheme of things. I do still have another 129 pounds to lose to reach my goal. I decided to look at how losing this 40 pounds has impacted my everyday life so I can really appreciate it...instead of dwelling on the 129 pounds I still have left to do.

1 - I can not only carry my daughter on my shoulders but I can lift her up there all by myself. I love being able to do that!!

2 - Play with my kids on the beach. Race them to surf. Spin around with them. Basically, participate in their lives. It was so awesome not to be on the sidelines this time.

3 - Touch my toes. So simple, right? But honestly, I can't remember the last time I could stand up and touch my toes. It's pretty cool...LOL

4 - Do a decent squat. Yes, squats are the hardest exercise. A tool of the Devil...LOL But I can now do a good one. And do a bunch of them in a row. Something I couldn't do when I first started. The squats have definitely gotten deeper which makes me happy even though it hurts. Just call me a glutton for punishment...LOL

5 - Tie my shoes. Yep, I can now bend over and tie my shoes without lifting my leg or putting my body through awkward and embarrassing contortions. Something I started doing only in the privacy of my bedroom and didn't even realize I was doing that! Wow!!

6 - Stand up from a sitting position without thinking about it. I know it sounds so simple that you are probably wondering why it is on the list. But when you weigh as much as I did, getting up was a big ordeal. Something you did with a lot of effort and not very gracefully.

7 - Walk for long periods of time. I did it in Morro Bay for the first time this summer and was able to enjoy the town in a way I never had before. I followed that up by doing in Pismo down by the pier. Another first for me. As many times as I had been to Pismo, it was the first time I walked around the pier or the shops. Remember, I always avoided walking if possible before because I was always so tired. Not anymore! And this has been the best summer in years because of that.

8 - Fit into most restaurant booths. Wow, you wouldn't believe the difference 40 pounds makes when trying to sit down in a booth. I've had a few embarrassing moments where I didn't fit. Now, it doesn't seem to be as much of a problem. Can't wait until it isn't a problem EVER!!

9 - Get up the steps into my trailer. The steps into the trailer are awkward as it is and there isn't a handle to help you. Not too mention they are pretty high. I've dreaded them each time and avoided going in and out of the trailer as much as possible. I've recently noticed that it doesn't bother me anymore. I have not only lost fat but built up some muscle in my legs. I can easily lift myself up there now.

10 - None ya business...LOL I have a number 10 but I'm not going to share this one. It would definitely fall into the TMI category. Now, I can see all your little minds racing...LOL Just know that it is a good one!

So, that's it. That is 10 not so little things that I can now do. After reading this list, it makes it easier to see the 40 pound loss for what it is instead of what it isn't. I feel good about myself and my progress.

Next list at 80 pounds lost and that's a promise!

Goodbye 40 lbs!!

Imagine my surprise this morning when I weighed in and lost 3 lbs after 4 weeks of nothing! The best part is that this 3 lbs finally put me at the 40 lb milestone. This loss proves to me that sticking with my exercise program and WW works. I am so excited!

All the changes I've seen in my clothes and in how I feel, are really keeping me motivated. I tried on my engagement ring which I haven't worn in 5 years, and I can finally get it on my finger! Not on top of my wedding band, but hey, I'll take what I can get...LOL My undergarments are loose, my pants are incredibly baggy and my shirts are no longer tight. Things are looking good for this fat chick!

My next milestone? Well, actually there are two of them: getting below 300 lbs and losing a total of 60 lbs by my 39th birthday which is on November 23. I'm pretty sure I can reach those goals in the next 2+ months.

Thank you for all your support and reading my ramblings. I couldn't do this without you guys!!

Yeah Me!!

Just updated my exercise log for the week. I took the last two days off and wanted to make sure that I logged that. No lying to myself. But I also realized that I actually worked out 5 days last week!! That is awesome for me. I know I can't do everyday for a variety of reasons including burning myself out and my body begging for a rest. I mean, my legs were screaming at me to knock it off. Squats and lunges are tools of the devil!!..LOL Anyway, the 6 Week Challenge requires 4 workouts per week so I'm ahead of schedule by one day. This log may actually work on keeping me on the straight and narrow. Who'da thunk it?...LOL

My New Exercise Log

You will notice on the right side of my blog a new little section called "Exercise Log - 6 Week Challenge (24 Workouts)". I added this today for a specific reason. No matter how many times I say I have come to the conclusion that exercise is good for me, I will still take any excuse not to do it. You'd think that after seeing the proof for myself, my little brain would grasp the concept that I need to exercise and keep doing it. But..nooooo...LOL I can't possibly do that. Maybe it's the part of me that hates being told what to do that controls that. Yep, I'm sure that's it...LOL

Take today for example. I finally got dressed to exercise and as soon as I turned on the Wii, my controller went dead. I have to place the controller on a charger to recharge the batteries. I guess if I can't use the controller, I can't exercise, right? Wrong!! I can put regular batteries in it and not change my plans which is what I did. The sad thing is that it took everything in me to do that! I'm pathetic..LOL

I'm doing the EA Sports Active More Workouts 6 Week Challenge. You work out 4 days a week for a total of 24 workouts. I'm going to try to do the workouts twice each day. The reason for that is because I set the game to low intensity because I am now using a medium resistance band and wearing 1 lb weight gloves while working out. I need to work back up to the medium intensity level using this equipment. But the low intensity is still a bit easy so I decided if I do it twice it will make up the difference. And my goal is to finish the challenge in less than 6 weeks!!

To help me reach my goal, I've decided to make myself accountable to you. Yes, you. All of you who take the time to read my blog. You can now track my progress when it comes to exercise and feel free to call me out on it if you see me slacking. Obviously, I need it...LOL

No Weigh-In This Week

I’ve made a decision that may not seem right to most people but it is the best decision for me. I’m going to skip my weigh-in this week. No, it’s not cheating. Let me explain.

I’ve had two weeks in a row where I haven’t lost or gained anything. I’ve stayed exactly the same and that has been depressing. I’ve spent the last 5 days camping where I did a bit of drinking. I’m sure that the water gain from that alone will show up on the scale this week. I know me. I can’t take a third week of no progress or even worse, a gain. I will lose all my momentum and slide right back into my dangerously bad habits. Considering I have little, okay, no patience at all, I know that one more week without any progress will hurt me badly.

So, I’m going to give myself a reprieve this week. No scale. No weigh-in. I’m back home and back on my WW plan. I’ve also jumped right back into exercising by doing workout #4 of my 6 week challenge today. I’m going to give myself a little chance to recover from whatever damage I may have done this week. Allow myself a little time to lose the water weight from the alcohol. Basically, just let me take a moment to catch my breath.

I’ll be back on the scale next week no matter what. I promise!

Hello Plateau...I Hate You!

Another week and no weight loss. I’m still the same. I’ve reached the dreaded “Plateau” and I hate it. I wish I could be positive about this but I’m just not feeling it right now. I’m angry, sad, depressed and disappointed. And did I mention angry? GRRRRRR I should be at 40 lbs by now but I’m not and I’m ticked off. I feel like everything I’ve done over the last 5 months is for nothing.

The Little Fat Girl inside is laughing hysterically right now. She is screaming at me to just “Forget it!”. (Okay, maybe that isn’t quite the right F-word she is using but my Mom reads this blog so that one will have to suffice. LOL ) She is reminding me that I can’t do this. Who did I think I was kidding? I am fat and I’m always going to be fat. I should just go get some donuts and at least enjoy my fatness. Have a piece of cake, get a milkshake or a big, fat juicy burger. Drown my sorrows in some food. That works, right?

No, it doesn’t. I have years and years of experience with that particular coping mechanism and I know it doesn’t work. But old habits are hard to break and oh, do I ever want to just forget this whole thing and get some yummy food. I’d kill for some cherry pie right now. Oh yum!! But, I can’t. And not just because I’ll be letting myself down but because I’ll be letting all of you down too. That’s part of the reason I started this blog. I wanted to be accountable for what I’m eating to people other than myself because it is sooo easy to let me down. But knowing that all of you take the time to read this blog and support me in my journey means a lot to me. It keeps me from going down that path. The path of least resistance. The path I always go down when I get this far. And I can’t do it this time. I can’t go there no matter how much I want to and trust me, I want to. My cousin, Leslie, even wrote a post about me on her blog on how she admires my stick-to-it-tiveness (did I spell that right, Les?). The post was so sweet, supportive and just full of love. It brought tears to my eyes. After all that, I don’t want to disappoint her or any of you. Or myself.

So, here is the plan. I’m going to make my anger work for me. I’m going to beat that Little Fat Girl and get my butt back in gear. I’m going to do that by going back to the beginning. I’m going to follow my food journal entries from the beginning of WW when I was losing weight consistently. I’m going to start my exercise routine over as well. Yesterday I re-started the 6 week challenge on my EA Sports Active More Workouts game for the Wii. That means I’m going to work out 4 days a week for the next 6 weeks. My Mom and my sister have the original game and they are going to start the 30 day challenge on that game. We are going to do this together which should keep me going.

I will have a loss next week. I will not let that Little Fat Girl defeat me. And I will not let all of you or myself down. I’m going to kick this plateau’s ass!! (Sorry, Mom…but “butt” didn’t sound as tough…LOL).