The Woman in the Mirror

I hate the mirror.  Really, really hate it.  Actually, if I'm perfectly honest, I hate the reflection in the mirror.  This is not a news flash.  I know I'm not happy with what I see but I didn't realize how uncomfortable it makes me to look in the mirror until today. 

I was at physical therapy doing my exercises in front of a wall full of mirrors.  Basically, my version of hell.  Exercising and mirrors.  What sadist came up with this one?..LOL  Anyway, I noticed that I don't look at myself while I'm doing the exercise which is the entire point of having the wall of mirrors.  So you can see what you are doing and how you are doing it.  I look everywhere but at me.  I look at other people, focus on objects, and even let my eyes go completely unfocused so I don't have to see what's right in front of me.  I hate my fat, flabby arms.  I despise my big legs.  And please, oh please, don't let my shirt come up over my stomach.  I spend so much time pulling my shirt down that it takes me longer to do some of the exercises than it should.  I can't wait for the exercises to be over so I can escape from that big girl in the mirror. 

I tried to make myself stare at my reflection and I just couldn't do it.  My eyes went sideways, up or down.  Anywhere but straight ahead.  Seeing me, looking at me, made me very uncomfortable. My gaze would stay straight ahead for a few seconds and then veer off.  I tried again and again.  But I kept looking away.  In those few seconds when I would actually look at my reflection, I could see every single physical flaw that I have....every bump, lump, wrinkle, and sag.  

I thought about this on the way home and it dawned on me that I am my worst critic.  I am so mean to myself.  I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way I treat myself.  This behavior says a lot about me.  I haven't come as far as I think I have mentally, emotionally or physically. I'm still that fat little girl who really doesn't like herself.  It's time to change this behavior.  To change how I feel about the woman in the mirror. I just need to figure out how.

The Big "D"

Discipline...the big "D" in my world.  A friend of mine (who is in fantastic shape) mentioned that it's all about discipline.  That has been going around and around and around my little brain.  I decided to look it up and here is the definition according to Webster.

Discipline - a way of behaving that shows a willingness to obey rules or order

Now see that last part...the part about obeying rules? That's where you lost me.  I hate being told what to do.  Ask my dear husband or my parents.  I hate it more than anything and being the contrary soul that I am, I will do the exact opposite of what I'm told to do.  Have I mentioned I have issues?...LOL  Seriously, I even hate being told what to do by myself.  I want to rebel against everything and prove them all wrong.  I know that eating a salad is better than a burger.  That yogurt is a better choice than ice cream.  That everything is good for you in small amounts.  Etc., etc.  All the healthy eating rules.  I know them.  You don't get to be my size without knowing what you should do.  It's the doing it that is the problem.  I want to do what I want to do and still have it work out.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.  I put on a pair of pants this morning and they were way too tight.  Pants that fit me not more than two weeks ago.  I'm up a total of 20 lbs from my lowest weight after surgery.  WTH?!!!  What is wrong with me?  I am my own worst enemy.  This morning was a huge wake up call.  Everything I've fought for and all the progress I've made is going to be lost if I don't get my stuff together.
 
I need discipline.  Ew, just typing that made me shiver.  But I know it's what I need.  It's time to suck it up and admit that the rules are there for a reason.  They make sense even though the little brat inside of me just rebels at the thought of it.  I know that following the rules will get me to my goals.  I still want to lose 75 lbs.  I want to see that scale move down.  I want to fit into smaller clothes.  I want to be healthier and get back to being fit.  I keep trying to do it but trying isn't good enough.  I need to just DO IT!!!  I need the discipline to keep on track, to eat right, to make good choices and to work out daily again.  I used to be able to do this.  I just hate that I HAVE to do it.  Gosh, I am a mess...LOL   

I can't exercise the way I want to because of my back but I CAN DO SOMETHING!!  I can track my food again (which I started today).  I will also start getting up early and working out before work.  Yep, I said it.  It's out there now.  Starting tomorrow, I will get up at 5am and do Piyo, TurboJam, or TurboFire.  I may not be able to go all out but I can still move. 

Let it begin...the discipline starts today!

Dear Scale....

"Dear Scale, we need to talk.  It's nothing personal but we need to break up.  It's not me...it's you."  

The other night my son decided to join me during my workout.  I love when this happens because it shows that what I'm doing is actually working.  I want my "journey to health" to benefit me and my babies.  I've spent most of my life being overweight and unhealthy.  Naturally, I want better for them.  I want to instill a love of exercise and being active while they are young so they don't have to deal with all the baggage that comes along with being obese.  

Unfortunately, the example I am setting isn't always a good one and I don't even realize I'm doing it until it slaps me in the face.  After we finished working out, my 8 year old son ran into the bathroom and weighed himself to see if he lost weight.  A child should NOT be worried about how much they weight.  I've always told them that it is about being healthy and not being skinny.  That Mommy was working this hard because she wanted to be a healthy person.  I told him the number on the scale didn't matter.  What mattered was that he just did a workout and had fun doing it.  Of course, he looked at me like I was crazy.  I'm not fooling him at all.  Both my children see me weigh myself all of the time.  I'm obsessed with the scale.  I'm happy when the number goes down and depressed when it doesn't.  And heaven forbid it goes up.  Yikes!!  I realized at this moment that I definitely talk the talk but I don't walk the walk.

It's important to remember that our kids are always watching us.  They don't only observe what we want them to see.  They see EVERYTHING.  They mirror our behaviors and habits.  We don't realize how destructive some of those behaviors are until we see our little ones doing the same thing. Instead of just talking to my kids about being healthy and expecting them to just listen to me (like that ever happens...LOL), I need to set a better example.  I think it's time to break up with my scale.  Or at least limit our dates. :-)

Minute 21

I admit it.  I don't always want to exercise.  There is always something else I'd rather do...read, watch TV, craft...anything but move.  Those are  the days when I reluctantly dress in my exercise clothes, put on the DVD and grudgingly start warming up.  Those first 20 minutes are torture.  I find excuse after excuse running through my mind.  

"I'm tired."

"I need to pay bills"

"I want to read."

"I'll do it tomorrow.  Yeah, in the morning, that's it."

All I have to do is shut off the DVD player and walk away.  No one will know.  It will be okay.  Tomorrow sounds better anyway.   

But I keep going because I know that right around minute 21 something wonderful is going to happen.  Those endorphins kick in and I'm on fire.  I'm jumping and kicking and punching.  I'm smiling as sweat drips down into my eyes because I nailed that jump kick.  I'm running and doing air jacks.  Yeah, I can do this.  I'm breathing hard and working even harder.  Sweat pouring off of me.  And I feel amazing.  I feel alive and like I can do anything.

I love minute 21.

Life Get's In The Way

Days 4 and 5 of my 90 day TurboFire/ChaLEAN Extreme workout turned out to be unscheduled rest days.  Sunday was busy with family in town and a birthday party.  Monday involved kids, work and chores.  Normally, this kind of interruption to my schedule would send me for a loop.  I wouldn't be able to get back on track and it might be days before I started working out again.  It's that all or nothing mentality. One little slip, one deviation and I go off the deep end.

I'm trying to take a different tack now.  Go with the flow.  Realize that life happens and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm not always going to be in control.  This is probably one of the hardest things for me to do.  I'm such a control freak.  I want everything to go exactly as planned and when it doesn't I react badly.  I throw up my hands in frustration and walk away.  That isn't healthy in a whole lot of ways and I'm doing my best to change.  

Today was Day 6 and I did the workout from Day 4.  And guess what?  The world didn't end. 

Imagine that.  

TurboFire/ChaLEAN Extreme Hybrid Workout Schedule

I started the first month of my 3 month hybrid workout schedule using my very favorite workouts - TurboFire and ChaLEAN Extreme.  Both of these workouts were created by Chalene Johnson who is an amazing fitness expert and coach.  I fell in love with her workouts.  They are motivating and fun.  Yes, I said exercise was fun.  Please don't faint.  LOL

ChaLEAN Extreme uses resistance training to build lean muscle and the more lean muscle you have the more fat you burn. And I have a ton of fat to burn!!

TurboFire is the most fun I've ever had exercising.  It is a cardio conditioning program.  You jump, punch, and kick to great music.  Plus, it is a great stress reliever.  Just imagine their face every time you punch...LOL 

And they both have Chalene in them. I find her so inspiring and yes, I feel like she is talking directly to me. I actually catch myself answering back sometimes...LOL 

The schedule I created alternates resistance training and cardio including HIIT workouts.  I'm hoping that this will shake things up for me and get the scale moving in the right direction.

Time Flies

The old saying "Time flies when you're having fun" is definitely true.  Actually, it just seems to fly by whether I'm having fun or not.  It's been almost a year since I've written on this blog or even thought about it.  So much has changed during that time (which I'll get into during later posts) and some things have stayed the same.  Like my weight.  Oh yes, the dreaded "w" word.  I'm at 240 lbs.  Just two lbs less than I was a year ago when I was last here.  Not really encouraging.  Actually, it's pretty depressing.  2 lbs in a year?!!!  That's it?!!  All this working out and that's all I get?!!  How sad.  It's 1 1/2 years after surgery and I'm not at goal.  And I don't have 5, 10, or even 20 lbs to go.  I have 65 lbs to reach goal. 

That little fat girl inside me is alive and well and doing her happy dance.  You remember her, right?  She is the negative part of me that says I will always be fat, I will always be unhealthy, and I will always be a loser.  A great big fat loser. She started jumping for joy in my head because she was right and I was wrong.  I can't do this.  I'll never be able to do this. 

Now I can let her win.  Let her drag me back down.  I can stop working out.  Stop trying to eat right...still working on that one.  I can do that.  Or I can prove the little witch wrong.  Sure, I'm only 2 lbs down from a year ago but you know what else that means?  It means I've kept 104 lbs off for over a year!!  That is a victory.  That is awesome.  I haven't gained it all back plus some like I normally did.  I even got down to 227 at one point and I can do it again.  I'm healthier than I've been in years.  I can move around for 55 minutes doing TurboFire workouts and burn almost 600 calories during that time.  I can jump (both feet off the ground at the same time people!!). I can walk for 2 miles and feel just fine.  I'm heading to Vegas in a week and I'm looking forward to walking all over the strip and seeing the hotels because I can. I can paint my own freaking toes!!  I am able do things I haven't been able to do for years.  I've come too far to let her win.

Yes, I am at the point in my journey where the weight doesn't just fall off.  I have to struggle and believe me, I earn every single pound I lose.  And you know what?  That makes it mean that much more.  Each pound I lose, each size I drop, each time I can move faster, walk farther, all that means that much more because I have to work hard at it.  I am proving to myself and that little fat girl inside that I CAN DO THIS!!  It will take time.  It will take hard work.  This is not an easy journey for the fainthearted.  This is a journey for the fighter inside me.  Not that little fat girl.  She can bite me!

 

The Exercise Dilemma

How much exercise is enough?  That is my dilemma.  I've worked out 18 of the past 21 days.  That is amazing for me.  Today, I'm feeling yucky.  My throat hurts, I'm tired, I just want to lay down.  But I keep thinking I have to exercise when I get home.  I feel this intense need to exercise and this immense amount of guilt if I take a day off.  My entire day is taken up with this "should I, shouldn't I" argument that keeps playing in my head.  I never thought I would have this kind of problem.  I have to actually talk myself into taking a rest day...LOL  As of right now, I'm going to rest when I get home.  Who knows how many times that will change between now and then...LOL

 

90 Day Challenge Update

I have completed 15 days of my 90 day challenge.  I've worked out 13 of the 15 days.  I can't believe it.  I'm still amazed because this is so different for me. But I have to admit, I'm definitely falling in love with exercising.  Such a weird thing for me to say...LOL  I've even upped the exercise from what they have listed for the day.  For example, day 15 was supposed to be the Pump & Burn 30 minute workout.  That just isn't enough.  I don't feel like I've completely worked out.  So I changed it to the 55 minute workout and I loved every extra minute of it.  Tonight is the Combat 60.  I've never done that one so I'm excited to see if I can hang.  I'm actually looking forward to being a sweaty, exhausted mess.  Life takes some pretty weird turns, huh? 

The Five Year Old and the Dreaded F-Word (and not the one you are thinking)

My baby, Lili, came home on Friday and told me a little girl at school called her the dreaded f-word – “fat”.  My heart broke for my 5 year old daughter.  This is one of my greatest fears come true…that my daughter (or son) will have to go through what I went through as an overweight child/teenager.  The isolation, the loneliness, being “different” from everyone else.

Don’t get me wrong.  I had plenty of friends in school and no one ever really called me fat…unless I was fighting with them and then my response was always “That’s the best you got?”  The fact that I was fat was pretty obvious but no one picked on me or made fun of me.  I didn’t experience any bullying in that regard.  The extra weight I carried served one purpose and that was to isolate me.  It kept the world at a distance and me from being a bigger part of that world.  I didn’t have a single boyfriend in high school.  The only time a boy called my house was to talk to my best friend (who of course was very, very, tiny).  I was never asked out for anything.  No homecoming dances, no movies, etc.   I missed both my junior and senior proms.  While other girls were breaking up and making up with their boyfriends fully entrenched in the drama of young love, I sat home alone.  I felt isolated, lonely and very much like a freak.  A freak that had to pretend it didn’t bother her.  Who had to pretend it didn’t hurt. One who still bears the scars of those lonely years.  Lots of people say that their high school years were the best years of their lives.  Mine were not and I wouldn’t go back for anything. 

I definitely don’t want my children to experience the same loneliness I did.   It’s something I’ve worried about since the day they were born because let’s face it; my kids did not win the genetic lottery when it comes to being obese.  Both my hubby and I have struggled with our weight our whole lives. I don’t want them to have to deal with the obstacles that obesity puts your path.  I want what all parents want:  healthy, happy well-adjusted children. 

This has reinforced the path that I am on and strengthened my resolve.  This journey isn’t just about me.  It’s about my family, my children and the example I’m setting for them.  They don’t have to follow my old path and end up spending their teenage years a lonely freak.  They can follow my new path, the one I’m on now.  I have to keep exercising and making good choices so I can show my children the right way.  Show them it’s not a big deal to stay healthy, that it is fun, enjoyable and doable.  That it is the normal way to live.    

You may be wondering what I said to my daughter after she told me she was called fat.  I hugged her close and told her the truth.  That she is a beautiful, smart, funny, talented girl and that she shouldn’t listen to anyone who says any differently.  That some people are just mean and it’s best to ignore them and concentrate on what you know to be true.  Then I took her to Walmart and we bought a new game for the Wii…Nickelodeon’s Dance 2.  A fun way for her to stay active, move around more and to help her on her own path to a healthy lifestyle. 

234 Freaking Kicks!!

234 freaking kicks in a row!! That is what I did today during my Combat 30 workout routine. 117 kicks on each leg.  And how do I know that?  Because the instructor, Dan, says that at the beginning of the 5 minute segment.  Yes, that was only during 5 minutes of the workout.  I'm not sure if he is trying to scare me off or what...LOL  When you think about it, it sounds insane.  At least to me it does.  But after the workout?  When I'm all sweaty and breathing heavy?  All I can think is "Damn I did it!" and I'm so in awe of myself because this is such a different me.  The old me would have turned the DVD off after the first 5 minutes.  Okay, let's be honest...the old me never would have even turned it on the first place...LOL  

I've worked out 6 straight days during the first week of my 90 day challenge.  I'm so grateful that tomorrow is day 7 and I get to rest...finally.  Especially because my babies are coming back from Arizona and I can spend the time with them instead of exercising.  But never fear, the old me is not coming back.  The new me will be back on Tuesday, Week 2 Day 1, to get right back on track.  

102 lbs gone!!

Today I did something I didn't think was possible. I broke the 100 lb mark. I'm so excited. I have officially lost 102 lbs!! To me this is absolutely amazing and unbelievable. I never though I would get here. It seemed like such a long road. But I'm actually doing it. Making the changes necessary to change my life and to get healthy. Only 67 lbs to go to reach my goal. I can't wait to get there!!

 

90 Day Challenge

I have now completed 2 30-day challenges .  I set up those challenges on Facebook so that I could keep myself accountable.  Yes, I have to actually challenge myself in a public forum to get my butt off the couch.  My brain is a very scary place...LOL But it actually worked and this is probably the longest I have ever continuously worked out in my life!  

I've decided to challenge myself and start a 90 day Les Mills Pump and Les Mills Combat hybrid workout. I found a great schedule online that I'm going to follow. It alternates Pump and Combat with one day off a week.  By the time I'm done, I will have exercised 78 days out of 90.  That will be a huge accomplishment for me.  I'm also curious to see how many inches and pounds I can get off during those 90 days. 

Wish me luck!!  One Fat Chick is on the road to being One Strong Chick!

 

Thank God for Les Mills!

You may be wondering who in the hell is Les Mills? Is One Fat Chick cheating on her hubby? Is he her new guru? Has she joined a cult?  The answer to all of those is No.  Les Mills is a New Zealand athlete who competed in the Olympics decades ago.  And why am I thanking God for him?  Well, because his sons started the Les Mills exercise programs.  These programs, more specifically Pump and Combat, have done the impossible.  They have turned yours truly, a charter member of the I Hate Exercise club into an exercise fanatic.  Yep, I said it.  I love to workout.  I love to get sweaty.  I look forward to it and can't wait to do it.  The same girl who was a certified couch potato now exercises 6-7 days a week.  You read that right.  6-7 times a week. 

Let me explain how I fell in love with these programs.  Before I had surgery, I was going to the gym.  Trying to get myself to like exercising.  A feat I always thought was impossible.  I never did group classes (other than Water Aerobics) because I was embarrassed to be in group classes with all those fit people.  But one day, I put on my big girl panties and decided to try the Les Mills BodyPump class at the gym.  I talked a friend into going with me and attended the class after work.  I was embarrassed exactly as I thought I would be but I forced myself to walk into the room.  I had no idea what I was doing but one of the ladies was nice enough to help out the newbie and get me set up with some equipment.  A bench, a barbell and weight plates are needed for this class.  It is 55 minutes of weightlifting to music.  Squats, lunges, clean and press, chest, shoulders, biceps, triceps, etc.  You name it they work it out.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I was easily twice as big (if not three times) as the rest of the women in the class.  Part of me wanted to leave but I forced myself to stay.  About 50 minutes into the class I had to leave and throw up.  I had never exercised that hard in my life.  The amazing part was that after I threw up, I walked back into the finish the class.  Me!!  Someone who would usually take any excuse not to exercise voluntarily walked back in after working out so hard I vomited!!  Color me surprised...LOL  But you know what?  I had the best time (minus the throwing up of course)!!  It was hard, I was tired and a sweaty mess but I discovered that I loved lifting weights.  It made me feel strong.  

I took the classes for a few weeks after that up until I had surgery.  After surgery, I was tired all the time and couldn't make myself start working out again.  For the first 5 months after surgery, I did nothing.  I also had to cancel my membership because I couldn't afford it anymore.  So there went the one exercise I actually found that I liked.  

One day, I realized that I really had to start exercising.  I am terrified of having all that loose skin and I've heard that working out is the best way to combat that.  I also wanted to show my children by example that exercise is an important and fun part of life.  I decided to focus on what I liked to do.  I don't like to walk.  It's boring and pointless.  I know they say it is the best thing to do but I can't stand it.  If I was going to actually work out and keep doing it, it would have to be something I liked. Since I no longer had a gym membership, I started small by using my Wii Fit.  That was fun and something the kids and I could do together.  But it quickly became not enough.  I found out that Les Mills actually had a program to use at home.  It is called Les Mills Pump and is the home version of the class I loved at the gym.  I had to have it.  It came with all the equipment necessary and 10 DVDs.  I started working out with it as soon as I received.  It was just as fun as I remembered and it made me feel so strong.  

Then Les Mills released a home version of their BodyCombat program as well.  It is a workout that uses moves from multiple martial arts disciplines as well as boxing.  It is fun, a great workout and I get to punch and kick.  What a great stress reliever!!  

It's amazing to me that I've been doing this for 60 days now.  Working out 6-7 days a week and enjoying it. The inches are melting off and I'm getting muscles I didn't even know I had.  Did you know that there are actual muscles on your shoulders?...LOL  My surgeon is thrilled that I'm working out so much and it's definitely showing.  I finally figured out the key to get my butt moving.  It had to be something I really enjoyed and I found it.  So, yes, thank God for Les Mills.  He is the reason I am finally getting into shape, setting a great example for my kids and actually leaving the couch. 

Now what do you enjoy doing?

 

I'm BAAAAAACK!

Well, it's been over a year since I've posted and a lot has changed since then. During 2011 I dropped about 40 some odd pounds and was down to 299. I went up and down a few lbs after that but could not get below 299. No matter what I did including dieting and exercising, I couldn't get past that number. And like every other time I've failed to lose weight, I said "Screw it" and ate whatever I wanted again. It was disheartening and frustrating. By March 2012, I had gained back all of the weight I had lost except for 8 lbs. I was devastated and so very tired of the Weight Loss Roller Coaster I had spent my life riding. The ups and downs. The twists and turns. So over it!! Not to mention, I was getting older and it was getting harder to get the weight off each year. And to top it off, my children were starting to put on weight. I know I shouldn't worry about it yet because they are so young (5 & 7) but I am terrified they will have to go through what I went through as an overweight teenager. The loneliness, feeling like an outsider all the time, being different. It's a hard road and I don't want that for my babies. But how could I tell them how to eat or to get active if I wasn't doing it? I didn't want them to end up being obese like me. Not my babies.

I finally made the decision to pursue weight loss surgery again. And I was on a mission. It wasn't just for my health but for my babies. I wanted to be a good role model for them. I made the appointment to see my doctor in March of 2012 and was taking the 3 month Options class that Kaiser requires by April. I wasn't playing around this time. I knew this was what I wanted and it showed. Instead of being bored in the classes and resenting even having to be there, I was eager for them. I enjoyed them. I wanted to learn what I needed to do to change my behavior. The class prepares you for the surgery. It is taught by nutritionists, nurses, and they even have former patients come in to discuss how the surgery has changed their lives. They discussed the different options, how to prepare for them and the life changes you have to make after surgery. It was an incredibly informative class.

I will admit I wasn't the best student in the class and had only lost 6 lbs by the end. Not very encouraging but I knew I could do this. I decided on the gastric sleeve for a variety of reasons most importantly being that it was less intrusive and if needed I would be able to have my stomach scoped later on in life. That was a huge factor for me. Plus, the idea of having my intestines re-routed in the RNY (gastric bypass) surgery freaked me out. I didn't hesitate after the class and had my surgery a month after it ended on August 16, 2012.

Your life is completely different after surgery. I have to concentrate on eating protein and I can only eat about 3/4 of a cup of food at a time. Seems so small, right? But I'm 7 months out now and it feels like a huge amount of food in my stomach. The pain of being full is a big deterrent for overeating. Overall, I can eat what I want. I tend to avoid pasta, rice and breads just because of the carbs and the fact that I need more protein than normal. 100-110 grams of protein a day. It takes up most of the calories I'm allowed. There are a few things that I can't eat. My stomach just can't handle them anymore. Lettuce is a killer. I found that out at Disneyland. Not the best place to try incorporating new foods back into my diet. Learned that the hard way when I had to spend 2 hours laying down in the hotel while everyone was at Disneyland. But I've found a way around that. I order salads without lettuce. Yes, I get strange looks but it works..LOL I also order sandwiches without the bread.

Overall, I am down 99 lbs. Yep, 1 lb away from a 100. I'm wearing a size 18/20 as compared to being too big to fit in my 28s. I've lost a total of 57 inches off of my body. I feel so much better than I did before. I'm able to do so many more things than I could before. Some of my biggest accomplishments include:

• Being able to ride on the rides at Disneyland with my children. The first time I've been able to do that ever!! I am not ashamed to say I cried on Dumbo...LOL And so did my mom when she saw me. 

• Getting up off the floor unassisted - sounds silly but when you can't do it for years and finally can, trust me the tears of joy start. 

• Riding my bike and finally not feeling like I'm going to fall if I go too slow. 

• Being able to play with my kids physically. To run and walk to the park. To enjoy the time with them.

• Wearing heels again all day at work. I've missed that so much!

• Riding on an airplane for the first time in over 7 years and being able to fit in the seat without an extender for the seat belt. I was so nervous on the way to the airport and the relief when I realized I fit was incredible.

So many more changes have happened since I made the decision to change my life. I know that the common misconception is that having surgery is the easy way out. I felt that way myself which is why it was so hard for me to make the decision to have it. But it's not true. I still have to work hard to lose weight. I have to watch what I eat and work out. Yes, I said work out. The Queen of I hate working out is now a fanatic but more about that in another post..LOL It's not always easy. The pain if I overeat or eat something I can't digest is unbearable. I had to give up all carbonation and some days I'd kill for a Diet Pepsi or a Lime-A-Rita or a freaking class of champagne. But I can't have any of that. The bubbles HURT!!

I've had to find new ways to eat and this journey has definitely had some bumps. I've taken a hard look at my relationship with food. I can't eat when I'm angry or stressed or upset. I've had to learn to grieve for the loss of a loved one in a different way. Can't eat the grief away anymore. It's been a challenge but you know what? Knowing everything I know, I'd make the same decision all over again. I'm (believe it or not) actually happy. And after a lifetime of being obese and depressed it's a nice change.

Here is a before and after picture. The one of the right is December 2009 and the one on the left is December 2012.

 

Time Flies...

We all know that old saying..."Time flies when you're having fun". I guess I've been having lots of fun because I can't believe it has been over a year since I last posted. I was shocked when I saw that. And during that year a lot has happened...not too much with my weight but definitely with life in general.

My son started kindergarten, is in his second year of T-ball, and seems to have the mouth and attitude of a 15-year old. Yep, 6 going on 15. At this rate he will be lucky to make 15...LOL

My daughter is growing by leaps and bounds and will be starting kindergarten this year. She is a little fashionista who is so much more girly than her mother. She is quite the chatterbox with a huge vocabulary. People are usually surprised when they find out she is only 4.

My better half is working two jobs now trying to transition into a field that offers more room for growth. It's been rough on all of us but definitely hardest on him since one of those jobs involves walking miles each day. But he hangs in there with the hope that one day, it will all be worth it.

Me? I'm still a work in a progress. One that seems to stall more often than not but I still strive to move forward. I'm doing the usual balancing act of all working moms - job, kids, husband, home, all while trying to find some time for me. I've gotten a little better at that. Finally put my little Fred Flintstone foot down and demanded that we found some little tiny bit of space for me in our house. (It's amazing how much room two kids and a husband can take over when you let them...LOL) I created a little oasis in my bedroom for me. A space where I can create and just spend a little time doing something I enjoy. In doing this, I've rediscovered my love for creating greeting cards. The papers, the stamps, the colors, the textures, the stickers, brads, eyelets, tools....all of it used to create something beautiful. An expression of me. Needless to say, I took this on with my usual one track mind and I've gotten quite the head start on Christmas cards this year.

Best part of restarting an old hobby, has been that it keeps me busy and out of the refrigerator...well, most of time. Which brings me to the dreaded weight topic. You know the topic I started this blog about two years ago. I haven't made much progress but I haven't gained anything back either. I've been balancing at about a 56 lb weight loss. I've done other diets and exercise plans during the last year trying to move forward. I've done the Dukan diet (worked great until boredom hit), protein drinks, fasting. Each one of these periods are followed by my usual "Nothing is ever going to work" phase where I eat everything in sight. Luckily for me, I've already gotten rid of all my 3X and size 26 clothes so I can't let that phase go on too long or I'll have to go to work naked. A sight no one wants to see...LOL

Exercising has come and gone..and come and gone. I joined a gym. Went for a few months and then stopped again. The Wii and bike riding also went by the wayside. I have such a hard time staying on track with one thing. I have a friend who looks phenomenal! She gets up every morning to attend Boot Camp at 5am. I admire her resolve and can see the results but that doesn't seem to motivate me. I'm not sure what is going to do that again.

I was thinking that maybe blogging again will help. Blogging about everything and not just weight. Maybe it will bring my enthusiasm for this journey back...reinvigorate me. Maybe...I guess we will see.



PS - Please forgive any typos or mistakes. I was typing this while a 4 year old jumped around me like a monkey....grrr. I guess it is time to feeding time at the zoo...LOL

Work in Progress

Hi. I know it's been quite a while. Kinda lost me again. Dealing with depression, a new job, my husband and kids...you know "life". And during that time, I forgot to take care of me. Actually, I didn't forget. I just plain didn't want to. See, that is the thing with depression. It makes me feel like I just don't matter. So, I skip exercising, eat a bunch of crap, and feel more miserable every day. Every single day is a fight...one I keep losing. Losing to the tune of a 10 lb gain. Yep, I gained weight back. Big surprise, huh?...No not really. I tend to do that. Get bored, get depressed, and lose focus on my goals. But the up side is that it's only 10 lbs and not the full 50 I lost. Or God forbid, even more. Been there and done that too.

But, now I'm feeling a little better. Not sure why. Maybe those crazy chemicals in my brain have gotten straightened out for a bit. Maybe I'm feeling more comfortable in my new job. Maybe the stars have aligned just right. Who the heck knows? All I truly know is that I need to take advantage of this feeling while I've got it.

I've changed things a little. Trying to shake up my routine and make this journey exciting again. I've cancelled my WW membership. Yeah, I know, I know. I kept extolling the virtues of WW and I did love it. But I'm not too keen on their new plan and just couldn't seem to wrap my head around it. I've moved on to a new and pretty straight forward plan. I'm going to burn more calories than I eat in a day. Yep, really complicated, huh?...LOL But that is basically what losing weight boils down to, right? I'm using an online site called Lose It (www.loseit.com). It's free (yippee!!) and my cousin-in-law, Jon, has been using it and is doing really well. I mean really, really, really well. Over 50 lbs and counting. Go Jon!!

Back to the website. It's really easy to use and it's sort of like a social network. You can add "friends", make comments, etc. It's great for motivation and support.

I've also changed up the exercising. I just can't seem to keep to a schedule these days. Let's face it, "Mom" always comes last and finding time for myself is really difficult. The more I tried to structure my exercise routine, the more depressed I got each time I missed it and eventually just said "Forget it." So easy to do say. Way too easy for me to say and do. The change I'm making is to exercise when I can using the Wii. Not on a schedule but when I can squeeze it in. And I've added bike riding to my routine. I recently acquired a beautiful black and pink beach cruiser. I just love it and the benefits of bike riding far exceed the physical for me. I take off down the street and I feel all the stress just fall off my shoulders. I feel free and like a kid. Even if just for 10-20 minutes. I forgot how much I loved riding bikes when I was a kid. I did it all the time and that sort of just went away as I got older. Now I'm rediscovering the pleasure of bike riding. And doing it in style on my cruiser. :-)

So, that's the latest and greatest with me. I'm trying still. But as a friend recently reminded me, it is a life change not a quick fix. And I am most definitely just a work in progress.

New Year - Same Old Journey...LOL

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had a wonderful holiday season. I know I did and the scale can attest since I have gained 2 lbs over the holidays. And I'm okay with it. I admit I had some candy and cookies..okay, I had a lot of candy and cookies. And every single bit was delicious. The holiday season is baking season in my family. All my aunts, my mom and this year even I hit the kitchen. I was able to pass on the family tradition of decorating sugar cookies to my children and even tried out a new recipe for Cracker Candy. To die for!! I can't seem to get through Christmas without having some goodies and quite frankly I don't want to. It's part of our tradition and it's usually items that I only get to have once a year. So, I'm giving myself a pass. It was only 2 lbs which considering the circumstances, isn't that bad.

On to the new year and the continuation of this journey! I'm hoping to lose an additional 100 lbs this year. Yep, that is my goal. It may be lofty but I'm going to try. We are planning a trip to Disneyland the week after Christmas and I'd love to be able to get on all the rides without freaking out or worrying if I'll fit the whole time. I want to be able to really enjoy myself and enjoy the time with my family. Being healthy and in better shape will definitely make that possible.

I'm also going to do the Wharf-to-Wharf in Santa Cruz on July 24th with my Mom and my sister. Another goal I want to meet and something else to strive towards. I'm still trying to convince the hubby to do it with me....maybe....

I've started fresh this week. The holiday munchies are gone and forgotten. I'm back on my WW again and today I restarted (again!) my 3 week challenge on EA Sports Active 2. I'm going to work out 4 days a week again. Yep, I know. "Here she goes again." But as long as I keep restarting and don't give up, I'm on my way to winning the battle. I've finally figured out a way to fit exercise nto my schedule now that I'm working outside the house again. It took forever but it's finally working out. Seems like I lost some of my time management skills while I was unemployed. Really didn't have to worry about time when I had plenty of it..LOL

I'll check back in on Saturday when the scale comes to call! Have a fun week!

50 lbs GONE!!!

Imagine my delight and surprise when I got on the scale and read the number 294! Most people would not be happy with that number but since I started at 344, I'm thrilled! 50 lbs of fat is gone, gone, gone! I'm over the moon excited and feel like everything is coming together for me lately.

I started a new job on Monday after 13 months of unemployment. I really love this job so far and I'm so much happier than I have been since I started working again. The stress is gone which allows me to enjoy my life and my family again.

I'm still working on getting exercise back into my schedule. It's really hard now that I'm working especially since I have to cook dinner, clean the kitchen and get the kids ready for bed by 8pm each night. I want to start getting up early in the morning so I can exercise before work. It's just really hard because I do love my sleep. But I also know that exercising is really important and I need to make time for it. And by making time for exercising, I'm making time for ME!

Here are my goals for the upcoming week:

Get up early and exercise Monday through Thursday
Take it easy on the Christmas cookies and candies
Limit my egg nog intake this year to just Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (I do love egg nog!)

And most importantly, enjoy the holidays and being with my family.

My next weigh-in day is Christmas morning so I may be late with the update. I'm sure you can all forgive me...LOL

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays my friends! Love to you all!

Back In the Saddle

This week I finally had a loss again. 3 lbs gone!! I'm so excited! Looking back at this week, I can see where I did make some improvements in my eating and exercise routine that would account for the weight loss. I also know I wasn't perfect about eating and went over my WW points on quite a few days so the potential to do better is definitely there.

The new WW PointsPlus system is HARD!! Maybe it would be easier if I hadn't been doing their previous system and came into this fresh. Right now, I'm just having a hard time adjusting my thinking on point values for food. I had pretty much a set idea of what I could eat and how much of it but that has all changed. Now, I have to check all point values again and measurements to make sure I'm doing everything right on this program. While it is soooo hard to change, I think this is exactly what my body needed so I can get back in the saddle and continue my journey. I needed to shake it up and boy did I...LOL

Also, my new exercise game, EA Sports Active 2, is super hard. I'm definitely working out harder than I did on the earlier versions. Lots of jumping in this one which is definitely not a favorite of mine. Do you know how much effort it takes to move 296 lbs up in the air?..LOL Trust me, it's a lot! But I am doing it and the results are speaking for themselves with my 3 lbs weight loss.

Now the holidays are approaching and I have to keep this up so I'm ready for them. Good luck to all of you on your journey during this holiday season!