Time to Confess

If you read the prior post, you know I lost 2 lbs last week and reached a total loss of 31 lbs. It is an awesome feat (if I do say so myself…and I do..LOL). But I have a confession to make. I’ve fallen off the exercise bandwagon. I haven’t worked out since we returned from our camping trip over a week ago. I’ve kept saying “tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow”. Sure, I have lots of reasons I couldn’t exercise: my “time of the month” arrived the day after we returned home, I’ve been getting my house ready for visiting relatives, I am jumping through hoops trying to register my son for pre-school, blah, blah, blah. I’ve always been good at coming up with reasons to be lazy. I’ve got that Little Fat Girl inside to help me. She loves to laze around and will avoid exercise at all cost. Even when she knows that I feel better when I do it.

Enough with the excuses. Time to get back to it and you know what, I’m not going to start tomorrow or the next day or the next. I’m going to start today. It’s time to turn it up a notch so I can keep losing, keep getting healthier.

Put on your sweats, Little Fat Girl. It’s time to sweat!!

Broke The 30 LB Mark

Today I reached a milestone. I lost 2 lbs this week which puts me at 31 lbs lost. I have been trying to reach the 30 lb mark for quite a while now but it stayed just out of reach. It was frustrating and making me crazy. The longer it took to reach it the more important it became to me. Isn’t that just about true with anything?...LOL

I realize that 30 may seem like a random number but to me it means that I am truly on my way. It represents my commitment to losing weight and getting healthy. I can’t remember the last time I lost 30 lbs. Well, actually, that is just a figure of speech…LOL I definitely can remember the last time I lost this much weight. It was between 1997-1998 when I lost 87 lbs total. Honestly, do you think I could ever forget being smaller? Could anyone?..LOL I reached my goal back then and losing 31 lbs now shows me I am on the right path. It reinforces my belief in myself and shows the Little Fat Girl inside that I CAN DO THIS!!! It is not impossible. It is not unimaginable. It is not unreachable.

I am One Fat Chick, hear me roar!!! (yeah, I had to…LOL)

My Camping Revelations

We spent 5 days in Morro Bay last week like we do every July. I discussed how much I was looking forward to this trip in an earlier post because of my weight loss and my overall better health. And boy, did it make a difference. I had the best time ever! I may have gone camping there 5 pounds lighter at some point during the last 6 years but never in better shape.

Here are a few of the things I noticed while camping this year:

• First and foremost, potty time is important time..LOL I can get in and out of our bathroom in the trailer much, much easier. It was awesome!! I didn’t feel as uncomfortable as I usually do in there and there were no contortions involved when entering the bathroom. I must say it again…..AWESOME!!

• My big, bulky camping jacket was much looser on me. I keep this jacket in the trailer and only wear it when camping on the coast at night. It’s a men’s plaid jacket with the fake fur lining. It used to barely button but now it buttons and I can grab a handful of material and pull it away from me. I could really see the difference and that was inspiring!

• I actually squatted down and sat on the trailer steps. Then got back up without even thinking about it. It was incredible to know that I was strong enough to move like that!

• We rode the trolley around town. We have never done it before because of me and my fears. I was always too afraid I wouldn’t fit in the seat (which I did easily…I think I let my mind build these situations up to outlandish proportions). I also didn’t want to do it because that meant that I would have to walk around town when we got there and heaven forbid! I didn’t want everyone to see how tired I would get from walking. Well, I’m really glad we did it this time. We did it two days of our vacation. On the second day, we spent 5 hours in town walking around and riding on the trolley. The kids had a blast and I was able to experience the beautiful town of Morro Bay in a way I never had. Plus, I never got tired or wanted to go back.

• I walked and walked and walked. Mostly with my kids around the campgrounds and I loved it. My daughter and I even did a few small sprints. I didn’t even care what I looked like or what anyone else thought. Lili and I were laughing and having fun. Isn’t that what is most important anyway? Besides, it gave my 70 year old father-in-law a break. I’m ashamed to say that he usually took the kids for walks because I was too out of shape and/or lazy to do it. Pretty pathetic, right? But that’s over and done with. That's not who I am anymore.

I know some of these items may seem small or inconsequential. But to me, they were huge. Each accomplishment, no matter how small, keeps me motivated and keeps me on my journey. This year it was a new healthier, happier me that went to Morro Bay and I like her. I like her enough that I voluntarily had a couple of pictures of myself taken. That is huge! Okay, no pun intended…LOL

Can’t wait to see what comes next on my journey!

After Camping Weigh-In

Today is my first day back from camping and wouldn’t you figure that it is also my weigh-in day. There is nothing scarier than having to weigh-in after vacation. Especially when said vacation involved eating a few things I normally don’t allow myself including an éclair and two orders of fish and chips (minus the chips since I don’t really like French fries). And, yes, I did have the orders of fish on two separate days. I didn’t go that crazy. I’m also lucky enough to have camped with relatives who made amazing homemade Mexican food including tamales (I had two with breakfast one day) and sopapillas which are like crack…seriously...LOL For those who are unfamiliar with them, here is the definition found on Wikipedia.org:

“A sopaipilla, sopapilla, sopaipa, or cachanga is a kind of fried pastry and a type of quick bread served in Argentina, Bolivia, Chile, north of Mexico, New Mexico, Peru, and Texas. “

Trust me, they are delicious either by themselves, with beans on top or even as a dessert sprinkled with powdered sugar or cinnamon and sugar. Delish!! I ate my plain. I figured the fried dough is bad enough without adding to it. LOL

See, what I mean? I got carried away just talking about sopapillas! Back to my weigh-in. I was quite surprised this morning to see that despite my transgressions, I actually lost a pound!! I would have been happy to just not have gained but to lose makes me ecstatic! I am attributing the weight loss to the walking I did with my kids around the campgrounds and the town. I even brought my free weights and did some upper body exercises in the trailer. I guess when I think about it, I didn’t go completely off the rails.

Now that I’m back home, it’s time to get back into exercising and tracking my WW points again. I am aiming to reach that 30 lb mark next week. Fingers crossed!

Ready to Get My Camp On

We are heading out for the coast today for 5 lovely days. I am so excited to get out there and just relax in the cool weather. It’s been so hot and miserable here.
We have gone to Morro Bay every year in July for the last 6 years. It is a tradition in my hubby’s family for over 30 years and it is a great place to be when it is over 100 degrees in our town.

I’ll admit that as much as I have always loved camping, I really began to dread these trips over the last few years. I didn’t want to have to go walking in town or on the beach or have to chase the kids all over the campgrounds because I just wasn’t in shape for it. I didn’t want to deal with camping chairs or finding clothes to wear that actually fit. As stated in a previous post, it was just easier to stay at home where it is safe but I always went and was miserable a lot of the time.

But this year is different. I feel great and my body is so much stronger. My energy levels are way up. I’m actually looking forward to walking around town, taking the kids for walks around the campsite and pretty much anything else that comes up. I can’t believe how much I’m looking forward to all of it.

The trailer is packed with healthy food and snacks, lots of water, tequila and my lite margarita mix (you know there is tequila..LOL) and even my hand weights so I can get some exercise in while I’m there. I’ll do a little strength training and walking so I don’t lose any of the progress I’ve made.

Now, I’m just waiting for the hubby to get home because….I’m ready to get my camp on!!

Wednesday Weigh-In and the Water Phenomenon

This morning was my official weekly weigh in and I’m down another pound. I was hoping for 3 so I could make an even 30 but that may have been pushing it. Especially since my visitor from hell is due today and all you ladies out there know how that plays havoc with our scales. I’m just going to take this loss and be happy with it. I also took my measurements and I’m down a ½" on my bust, 1" on my hips (FINALLY!!..my toughest area) and ½" on my waist. I guess the hour long workouts 5-6 days a week are working. I’d hate to lose all that sweat for nothing! LOL

Here is something I experienced last night that I found frustrating and fascinating all at once. We will call it the Water Phenomenon. I was drinking water like crazy yesterday. I have a cup that holds 32 oz (equal to 4-8oz cups) which I use every day to ensure I meet my daily 8 cups of water requirement. I just have to drink two of them a day and I get 64 oz of good ol’ H2o. It’s got a lid so I can even take it with me when I run my errands. This also eliminates the temptation of stopping for a nice, cold calorie-laden drink when out and about.

I guess I was very thirsty yesterday because I drank 5 of those starting in the late afternoon/early evening until about 10pm. We are talking 160 oz of water in a short period of time. And then I had the bright idea to weigh myself last night to see if I was going to be disappointed in the morning. I know, I know. You aren’t supposed to do that. (Yes, Mom, you have told me to knock that off…LOL). Anyway, my scale said I weighed 324 lbs!! I was shocked. I weighed 316 lbs that afternoon. How was that possible? I started to freak out. I even put a 5 lb hand weight on the scale to see if it was broken. It wasn’t. I wanted to cry. How could I possibly gain 8 lbs during one afternoon?

I did what anyone would do. I hit the internet in my search to find out what the heck had happened and if it was possible to gain that much weight in such a short period of time. Logically, I know you have to take in 3500 calories more than you burn to gain a pound. I know I didn't eat 28,000 calories during that afternoon...LOL

I found out that 1 – 8oz glass of water weighs ½ a pound and you usually weigh more at night because your body hasn’t had time to process all that you have consumed during the day. Well, in about 4 hours I had consumed 20 8-oz glasses of water which equals 10 lbs! Now, I know you can’t believe everything you read online but I was really, really hoping that was true and in my case it was. I peed all night long. I must have gone to the bathroom 15 times last night. It was a major pain in the bottom but when I woke up this morning I was back to my 316 lbs. Thank goodness!

What lesson have I learned from this? DON’T WEIGH YOURSELF AT NIGHT!!! It’s depressing and frustrating. So no more. And to all of you who just rolled your eyes at that because you know I am seriously addicted to my scale, well…okay, I promise I will try to not do it, how’s that?...LOL

Bad News = Bad Habits

I received a letter today from a company letting me know they are going to pursue other applicants. I had a short telephone interview with them last week in which we my skills and salary history. A part of me knew that I wasn't going to get it before I even hung up but I held out a small amount of hope that I'd be called in for a face-to-face interview. As usual, talking about my previous salaries in this economy is a death sentence. Not that I made a tremendous amount of money because I didn’t but it was more than most people want to pay during these times. I’m aware I can't get as much now and will happily settle for less but it doesn't seem to matter. Bless all those well-meaning people who tell you it isn't personal when you don't get the job or even a call back. I try to believe them, I do. I swear it...but it does feel personal. It’s still a rejection. If you have ever looked for a job you understand what I’m talking about.

Now I bet you are wondering what receiving that letter has to do with this blog. Simple answer is that it was bad news and I did what I always do when I get bad news…I ate. It’s hard to admit I did it but I fell right back into that old mindset. That little fat girl started dancing through my mind again telling me that food will make it all better. Oh she danced and pranced and laughed. Encouraged me to eat and eat and eat. Reminded me how those cookies and that ice cream will make me feel better. Make all the bad go away. How much better I'll feel after I eat it all.

And I listened to her...well, for a little bit. I had a Weight Watchers dessert topped with Cool Whip Lite, followed by a bag of microwave kettle corn and shortly before midnight I followed all of that up with a Bagel Thin spread with two triangles of Laughing Cow cheese. Mind you, that this was on top of the nice pasta dinner I had earlier tonight. To be perfectly honest, I could eat so much more right now. It’s taking all my willpower not to dive into that pantry and go crazy.

But I know it won’t make a difference. No matter what that little fat girl whispers in my ear, eating won’t make me feel better. I’ll still be sad that I didn’t even get an interview, still feel like I’ve been rejected, and I will still take it all personally. At least for a little while. And then I will shrug it off and keep plugging along because, really, what other choice do I have?

Unfortunately, it won’t be as easy to shrug off the cake, cookies, chips, ice cream, and whatever else I manage to find to eat the hurt away. So, I’m going to stop the binge now and lock that little fat girl away again. It wasn't too bad this time. I still haven’t even gone over my WW points for the day so I’m okay. I know it was a little binge and I know what triggered it. I’m going to count that as a plus. I’m actually beginning to understand and recognize my destructive behaviors. I’ve come so far in the past few months with eating right and exercising. I can’t let this bit of bad news be the catalyst that ends it all.

And to make sure it doesn’t, I’m off to bed before my willpower wavers. There isn't any food in there so I should be pretty safe. LOL

Good night all!

Blah

Okay, it was bound to happen. I’ve hit “blah”. You know “blah”, don’t you? That is the period when nothing is exciting or motivating. It’s when I can’t seem to be satisfied with anything…not watching a movie, a TV show, reading a book, going somewhere, staying home, exercising, playing with the kids, not playing with the kids, napping, etc. Nothing is making me happy! And I’m having trouble shaking it. I hate when I get like this. Ugh!!

For the last two or three days, I’ve just felt so blah. I can’t seem to get motivated to do anything! I’ve taken two days off from exercising which is okay because it goes with my schedule but I haven’t done that in forever. And today I’m struggling to get moving. I’ve been doing everything I can to avoid it and I’m so disappointed in myself. I’ve been doing so well for the past 12 weeks (wow…that’s pretty good, huh?) and exercising had become second-nature so this is really ticking me off.

Now is the “why” part of this post. Why am I feeling this way? I have no idea. I am hoping that it is because my monthly visitor is due soon as this feeling will pass with her. That is if I’m lucky. It could also be that I’ve been stuck at home with the kids with little to no adult interaction. I don’t do well with that. I miss being with adults during the day. The fact that I’ve been looking for a job without any luck I’m sure is another factor. Not to mention that sad situations have arisen left and right with friends and family. I won’t disclose them here because they are not mine to discuss but my heart bleeds for them.

It could be any one of the above but more than likely it’s a combination of all. It’s my own personal perfect storm that is creating this emotional morass known as “blah”. I do know that I really have to fight this feeling and drag myself out of this as soon as possible. It is like quicksand and will slowly drag me down to the depths of depression. A place I have spent enough of my life in and have no intention of visiting again.

I have to get moving. I have to get motivated. I have to do something…which leads me to ending this post and getting up from this chair. So, with one final sigh, it’s time to turn on the Wii and burn off some calories and hopefully some of this “blah”. Wish me luck.

Update at 3:20pm same day:

Well, i did finally move. 30 minute Wii EA Sports Active workout followed by a 30 minute The Biggest Loser Cardio Max DVD workout (first time I've done that one and it is a killer). I'm a sweaty mess right now. Still blah but feeling a little better since I didn't let it keep me from doing what I needed to do. I guess that is a bit of happiness I should try to hold on to, huh?

Happy

Today I am happy.

It’s been so long since I felt this way that I’m in shock. I’m not upset, irritated, annoyed, dismayed, disappointed or defeated. I’m not angry at myself or sad. This is honestly the weirdest feeling. I’ve felt all of those other negative emotions for so long that they became second nature. I’ve forgotten what it is like to feel positive.

I had a 3 lb weight loss this week which put me at 27 lbs total. It’s seems like with each pound I lose, I start to believe more and more that I can truly do this. Slowly but surely I can get where I want to be. I’ve also lost another inch off of my arms and half of an inch off of my thighs and waist. Proof positive that I am a smaller me than I was when I started this journey.

And on top of that, I reached a goal today. I’ve lost 5% of my weight from when I started on WW! I received a little purple star on my graph on WW online to mark this occasion. That made me smile even though it wasn’t anything tangible or big. But it is an acknowledgement of the work I’ve done and the effort I’ve put into this journey.

In response to all that I’ve accomplished so far, WW dropped my daily point allowance which believe it or not also made me smile. Since when does finding out I am allowed less food make me happy?...LOL It’s amazing that something I would have thought of as a punishment a few months ago has now become a reward.

I’ve also noticed a change in the way I view exercise. It is no longer something I “have to do” a certain number of days a week. I don't spend hours each day convincing myself to do it. It is a normal part of my routine. Part of my everyday life. I find myself getting dressed to exercise without thinking about it anymore. It’s become a part of who I am.

This journey I’m on has already changed me for the better and I’m not anywhere near my final goals yet. I can’t wait to see what other changes are in store for me along the way. But for right now, I’m going to concentrate on today.

Yes, today I am happy!

Independence from Fat

On the 4th of July I celebrated our country’s independence like the rest of the country. We took the kids to see the fireworks at the country club. No, we don’t belong to it….LOL We parked on the side of the street and stood by the car to watch the show. It was beautiful! And watching my children’s faces light up was the best part. My 2-year old daughter kept calling out each color (especially the pink..she loves pink) and saying how “pwetty” each one was while my 4-year old son made the “kaboom” noises with each blast.

At one point, my son said he was tired. I told him he would have to stand since my daughter was already on my hubby’s shoulders. And I couldn’t hold him. I mean, he is too heavy and I’m too weak to hold his 46 lb weight. So he did what 4 year olds do….he whined a little and kept trying to sit down on the ground. But since there wasn’t really a sidewalk, I didn’t want him to sit in someone’s yard. I finally told him to come here and I would hold him. To my surprise, I actually did. I was able to easily pick him up and put him on my hip. I held him for about 5 minutes until my arms got tired but I was shocked I was able to do that. And I was so proud of myself. I realized that my exercising was not only helping me lose the fat but truly building my muscles. I was stronger than I realized.

My hubby said he would take him if I could put my daughter on my shoulders. Once again, my first reaction was “No way”. I couldn’t hold her on my shoulders. They are my weakest part. I complain every time I have to do shoulder exercises. Plus, I’m clumsy and my balance has never been that strong. I’d topple right over or drop her…wouldn’t I? And who was going to get her down? I couldn’t possibly bring her down off of my shoulders. She weighs 34 lbs and I just knew I couldn’t lift that much weight up high enough to get her down. But after looking at her sweet face, I shook off my fears and said “Sure.”

My hubby put her on my shoulders and it was…fine. No problem at all. I was able to easily hold and balance her weight on my shoulders. I looked at my son on my hubby’s shoulders and my daughter on mine. I thought that we must look sort of sweet as a family. Kind of like a picture from a movie. We’ve never done this before. Actually, I should say I’ve never done this before. Up until now, I was always too tired and weak to hold them like this. In that moment, I realized something very important. Exercising was not only helping me burn the hated fat that I want to lose but also building up muscles and strength that I didn’t even know I was missing or that I wanted. And I do, I do want that. I loved holding my baby on my shoulders. And when it was time for her to get down, I just lifted her up and set her down. I didn’t even need any help!

This year the 4th of July was a celebration of our country’s independence but it meant a little more to me. That day as I held my baby on my shoulders, I celebrated my independence from the weight that held me prisoner and from my own inactivity that kept me weak.

A toast to a stronger and healthier me!!

The Battle of the Balance Board

Back in October of 2009 when I started classes for Kaiser’s Bariatric program, I talked my hubby into buying me a Wii, the Wii Fit game, Balance Board and as many accessories as I could talk him into. Come on, you know me. I went for as much stuff as I could get…LOL Imagine my chagrin when I realized I was 13 lbs too heavy for the Balance Board and I couldn’t use the game and all the cool stuff I bought. I was crushed! I put it away and figured I would eventually get to use it…someday.

If you have been reading this blog, then you know what happened next. I lost my insurance which meant the surgery was out of the question. Depression set in and I gained an additional 6 lbs. Now I was 19 lbs too heavy for the Balance Board.

For the last 8-9 months, the game has sat in a closet unused and the Board has been collecting dust on a shelf. A few months ago, I got my butt in gear and I’ve now lost 24 lbs. Even though the loss has put me 5 lbs below the Board’s limit I was still afraid to try it. I didn’t want to be depressed or get upset if it still wouldn’t let me on it. But today a friend of mine (Hi, Tammy) posted on Facebook how much fun she was having with the Wii Fit Plus. It got me thinking that maybe I should just try it. I’m looking for more ways to exercise and I’ve already spent all that money on it. I know how much weight I’ve lost and regardless of the outcome, I’m still down 24 lbs no matter what that stupid Board says.

I pulled up my big girl panties and brought the game out. Of course the batteries were dead in the Board and I had to get it all set up which was a pain in the butt. But once I had it set up and the game was on, it was the moment of truth. I cringed as I stepped on the Board and…it worked!! It didn’t turn off. It started calculating my weight, balance, etc. I was finally able to use the Balance Board and play the Wii Fit game today. I am so freaking excited!! I feel like I accomplished this huge goal and that I won the battle against the Board (yes, I was fighting with an inanimate object..LOL).

Granted the damn game does say “Oh!” whenever I stand on the Board and it proceeded to tell me I was obese during the weigh-in. Yes, it actually says that…like I didn’t already know. And then it gave me my Wii Fit age. According to the Wii, I’m 49 years old…11 years older than my true age. Yep, that hurt but come on, it wasn’t really a surprise. I weigh 320 lbs. Obviously, I’m not fit. LOL

But now I have a new goal on this journey. I’m going to bring that age lower and lower and lower. I’m going to shut that game up!

Oh and for the record, it really is fun!! I did some step aerobics, balance exercises, hula hoop exercises, yoga and strength training. I can’t wait for tomorrow!

I Scream for Ice Cream

I love ice cream. It is so yummy, creamy and delicious. But the fat content and calorie count is just too high. Plus, most containers list the serving size as ½ cup and who really eats that little bit? Not me. My ice cream bowls tend to be rather large and I’m not good at just putting ½ cup into my bowl. That little tiny bit of ice cream just looks so sad and my eyes tell me that I am being deprived. Which we all know is not good!

Luckily Skinny Cow came out with individual ice cream cups. They are 5.8 oz which makes them a little over ½ cup. They run between 150-170 calories per serving (which is the entire container…YEAH!!) and only 1-3 grams of fat. The best part is that there is 4 grams of fiber in each container which makes the point values on WW 2 or 3 depending on the flavor.

And speaking of flavors, they have quite a few to choose from. I had Dulce De Leche yesterday and it was delicious!! I also bought Cookies n Cream, Strawberry Cheesecake and Caramel Cone. I can’t wait to try those as well.

The best part is that you get to eat it right of the container. No measuring which is a pain in the butt and just plain depressing. It feels absolutely decadent and totally fooled my brain into thinking I was having more ice cream than I actually was so my sweet tooth was totally satiated.

Skinny Cow, I believe this is the beginning of a long love affair….LOL

Update - 7/4/10

LOVE - Dulce De Leche
LIKE - Cookies N Cream, Caramel Cone
OKAY - Strawberry Cheesecake (Note: Hubby thought this was great. Will admit not my first choice for ice cream flavor.)