I received a letter today from a company letting me know they are going to pursue other applicants. I had a short telephone interview with them last week in which we my skills and salary history. A part of me knew that I wasn't going to get it before I even hung up but I held out a small amount of hope that I'd be called in for a face-to-face interview. As usual, talking about my previous salaries in this economy is a death sentence. Not that I made a tremendous amount of money because I didn’t but it was more than most people want to pay during these times. I’m aware I can't get as much now and will happily settle for less but it doesn't seem to matter. Bless all those well-meaning people who tell you it isn't personal when you don't get the job or even a call back. I try to believe them, I do. I swear it...but it does feel personal. It’s still a rejection. If you have ever looked for a job you understand what I’m talking about.
Now I bet you are wondering what receiving that letter has to do with this blog. Simple answer is that it was bad news and I did what I always do when I get bad news…I ate. It’s hard to admit I did it but I fell right back into that old mindset. That little fat girl started dancing through my mind again telling me that food will make it all better. Oh she danced and pranced and laughed. Encouraged me to eat and eat and eat. Reminded me how those cookies and that ice cream will make me feel better. Make all the bad go away. How much better I'll feel after I eat it all.
And I listened to her...well, for a little bit. I had a Weight Watchers dessert topped with Cool Whip Lite, followed by a bag of microwave kettle corn and shortly before midnight I followed all of that up with a Bagel Thin spread with two triangles of Laughing Cow cheese. Mind you, that this was on top of the nice pasta dinner I had earlier tonight. To be perfectly honest, I could eat so much more right now. It’s taking all my willpower not to dive into that pantry and go crazy.
But I know it won’t make a difference. No matter what that little fat girl whispers in my ear, eating won’t make me feel better. I’ll still be sad that I didn’t even get an interview, still feel like I’ve been rejected, and I will still take it all personally. At least for a little while. And then I will shrug it off and keep plugging along because, really, what other choice do I have?
Unfortunately, it won’t be as easy to shrug off the cake, cookies, chips, ice cream, and whatever else I manage to find to eat the hurt away. So, I’m going to stop the binge now and lock that little fat girl away again. It wasn't too bad this time. I still haven’t even gone over my WW points for the day so I’m okay. I know it was a little binge and I know what triggered it. I’m going to count that as a plus. I’m actually beginning to understand and recognize my destructive behaviors. I’ve come so far in the past few months with eating right and exercising. I can’t let this bit of bad news be the catalyst that ends it all.
And to make sure it doesn’t, I’m off to bed before my willpower wavers. There isn't any food in there so I should be pretty safe. LOL
Good night all!
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Musings on journeys and such
2 years ago
3 comments:
I wish I had the willpower and strength you have. You are amazing! I have destructive habits too and a lot of times can't stop myself.
Oh, it didn't happen right away. As you can see I still binged. I was finally able to stop it a little earlier than normal..LOL
I'm right there with you cousin! I can't tell you how many times I've stood at the counter in the kitchen eating something that I know I shouldn't because I felt sad, mad, or confused. It's like food as a way of stuffing away that negative dialog, but only for a little while, then when you are done eating, those negative thoughts come back. So does the guilt.
Good thing I see from your binge is that they were better food choices than you've made in the past. The behavior was still there, but the food choices were better because that's a new habit you've stuck with. Baby steps! Give yourself credit for not going out the the local ice cream shop and eating a whole banana split!
Hang in there Trish, I know how hard job hunting is and I take it personally every time.
Love you!
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