Big, Fat Nothing

That is what happened during this week's weigh-in. I didn't gain or lose. I stayed right at 307 lbs which is a little disappointing. My first reaction was the same as it had been in the past. "Forget this!! Let's eat a cake! It's not working anyway." I had to take a step back and think about what is going on and how the past week went.

My schedule changed with my son being in school and I'm still adjusting to that. I know I haven't been eating as well as I should. I've actually skipped breakfast two days this past week because I was volunteering at my son's preschool.

I've been snacking a lot and even though I've stayed within my points most days, I know that I haven't made the best choices. And I'll confess..I had a milkshake. I was dying for one and I had to have it. It was so good but it was also 18 points. I did stay within my points for that day but using 18 points on a milkshake wasn't the best idea. We also went out to Chinese Buffet last Friday night. I went over my points that day but I had my weekly points to use. It was the first time I had used any of those.

Add in the fact that exercising was relegated to only 2 days this past week and I think I see why my weight loss may have stalled this week. I just have to suck it up and get back on the program. I need to make time to exercise and go back to eating healthy each day. I can do this!!

Now for some good news. As always, I pulled out my trusty tape measure to see if I've lost any inches. I've mentioned before that I love to do that when I don't lose as much as I would like that week because if I can see a loss in inches it really helps keep me motivated. And thankfully, I did see results there. It's been a month since I took my last set of measurements and during that month I've lost 2" off of my waist, 1" from my hips and 1/2" off of my thigh. That is a total of 3.5" in a month and grand total of 16.5" since I started this journey. That is a whole lot of me that is gone. And that makes me happy!

Wow...That Hurts

Tonight while I was tucking my beautiful 4-yr old son into bed, he said “You are fat.” My heart broke into ten million little pieces. I know I’m fat. I discuss being fat on this blog all the time. But to have my child say that really hurt.

I started to think about how lucky I’ve been my whole life when it came to having my weight thrown in my face. I wasn’t teased for being fat in school. My sister, who I fought with all the time, never once brought up my weight during any of our fights and trust me, we fought a lot. There was ample opportunity for her to hit me where it hurts. But she never did. I think I was only called “fat” to my face in a derogatory manner once when I was growing up and my response to that was “That’s the best you got? Really?”. Sure, it hurt a little but it was the truth. Calling me “stupid” in a fight would have bothered me more than calling me “fat”.

Ten or so years after I graduated, the wife of a very close friend whom I had grown up with, asked her husband if he ever teased me about my weight when we were kids. He said “No. She is my friend.” That was the entire explanation and that, in a nutshell, explains my childhood in regards to my weight. I was shy and didn’t date in high school because of my weight. But I was lucky enough to have friends who were unbelievably mature enough back then to like me for me and everyone else around us in school just followed their lead. We all know that children can be cruel but, looking back, I didn’t have to deal with that particular cruelty during my childhood and teenage years.

Hearing those words, words I never had to hear from anyone else, come from my own child’s mouth shocked me. I immediately asked him where he had heard this since he had just started preschool. I wanted to make sure that there wasn’t any teasing being done at school. He said he heard it on TV. I was relieved it wasn’t at school and I definitely don’t want him to start saying this to anyone at school. I immediately asked him why he would say that to me and he said he didn’t know. The sad thing is that I know he didn’t know why he said it. He is just now discovering the concepts of “skinny” and “fat” and is using them without fully understanding their social connotations.

I explained to him that Mommy is fat. Mommy does carry extra weight on her that she is trying to lose. I also explained that it is not okay to say things to other people regarding their weight whether they are skinny or fat. It’s hurtful and cruel. I know we are going to have to revisit this topic again. After all, he is only four years old. He hasn’t yet realized the power that words hold.

I don’t want him to be that mean child that makes fun of other kids because of their weight or any other reason they are considered to be not the “norm”. I want him to be better than that. I want him to be like the friend I mentioned earlier. I want him to be the one that simply answers “She is my friend.”

Wednesday Weigh-In

Another week has passed and to my surprise I have dropped another 2 lbs which puts me at 37 lbs total. Why am I surprised you may ask? Because my dreaded monthly visitor also arrived this morning and she usually brings plenty of heavy baggage with her. It is great news whenever I show a weight loss but especially when it coincides with a visit from her.

I'm so excited! I'm only 8 lbs away from bidding a not-so-fond farewell to the 300s. Can't wait to say goodbye to them!!

Throw Out the Crap!

Okay, if you have been keeping up you know that I recently ventured into that scary, dark place called my closet and actually had some success. For once, I didn’t come out of there feeling like the ugliest, fattest person in the world. It was a nice change and a bright moment on this journey I’ve started. But, I also noticed that some of my clothes (no matter what size they are) are just ugly. I’m not going to wear those again and I have to wonder what in the hell I was thinking when I bought some of them..LOL You know you have some of those in your closet too. Don’t try to deny it. LOL

We all have those clothes. Those ones that were in style when you bought them but you wouldn’t wear it now even if you could fit into it. Or those ones that you bought just because it fit and you needed something NOW. So you settled on that ugly shirt or pants. They may not even be ugly…just not really your style. How about those clothes that are missing a button or have a popped seam? You planned on fixing them one day when you can actually fit into them again. But are you really going to? I know I’m not. I didn’t like them enough to fix them before so chances are I’m not going to do it now.

I decided to quit lying to myself and throw out the crap. Toss out of those clothes I know I’m NEVER going to wear again no matter how much weight I lose. I mean, come on, really? The lime-green T-shirt with the rhinestones around the collar? Yeah, it was cute when I bought it but the hems on the sleeves unraveled years ago and I’m not going to fix them. Really, I’m not. LOL Same with the teal version of that T-shirt. Those cream-colored work pants that I bought 6 years ago from Target? Yeah, they are a size 24 and actually fit me. That should make me happy, right? Did I mention they are cream?!! Yeah, like I really need to wear light colors on my bottom half. I hate them!! I hated them when I bought them and every single time I wore them but I bought them because I couldn’t find anything else that fit. I have other options now so they are out of here. Along with a whole slew of faded black pants. Seriously, I’m never going to dye them black again. It’s time to quit lying to myself…LOL. That pile just grew and grew. And I didn’t care. It felt great to get rid of the crap taking up space in my closet. Great to realize that just because I can fit into those clothes again doesn’t mean I have to wear them.

And isn’t the best part of losing weight buying new clothes? Yeah, I could say it is feeling healthy, breathing easier, moving faster…but we all know the truth. It’s the clothes. Buying new, beautiful, fashionable, SMALLER clothes is one of the best perks of losing weight. It’s one of the things that push me forward. The thought of all those new clothes I am going to have to buy. And the bonus to all this? The hubby can’t complain when I buy new clothes because when I say “I have nothing to wear” it will be the truth this time…LOL

Find a Litte Happiness in Your Closet...Really!

Want a great ego boost? Hit your closet. Seriously!! I know that as one of the "fluffy' brigade, my closet is not my favorite place. Honestly, if I had to rank my top ten favorite spots in my house, my closet wouldn't even make the list. And I live in a small house so that is pretty bad...LOL But today, I actually found a little happiness in that horrible, dark place called my closet.

If you are overweight by any amount, you know you have clothes in your closet that don’t fit. Those clothes you are holding onto until “someday”. They may be one, two, or as in my case, ten sizes too small. But they are so cute, right?! It would break your heart to throw them out plus that means giving up. So we just keep them in the back of the closet waiting to be worn again. We judge how well are diets or new lifestyles (to each their own..LOL) are working by the progress we have made getting into those smaller clothes. And yes, I agree that can be great but it can also be discouraging if they don’t fit yet. You just may not be far enough along the journey for those smaller clothes. I've lost 35 lbs in the last 5 months and only have gone from a 28 to a 26. It would be great if I went from a 28 to a 12 in the same amount of time but that isn’t going to happen. No sense in depressing myself trying to get into clothes that I have no hope of fitting into yet. So, let's just leave those clothes in the back of the closet and talk about those other ones.

You know the ones I’m talking about. The clothes that were tight before you started losing weight. Those that were just small enough to be uncomfortable but you could almost squeeze into them. The pants or tops that didn’t look right anymore even though you could technically get them on…as long as breathing isn’t a requirement..LOL Yeah, you know the ones. I can see you all nodding…LOL

I spent about an hour this afternoon doing just that and I discovered a few things. I have some really great clothes that I didn’t like anymore because they didn’t fit right. Now they actually fit the way they were designed to and they look great. Tops that have bands on the bottom are now loose or just fit correctly across my hips instead of looking like the seams are going to break if I dare sit down. Okay, I admit I do have a few that did rip apart at some point. God Bless my mother-in-law because she is a great seamstress.

I also tried on pants that I didn’t have to lay on the bed to get zipped or move the waist band up and down until I find the right spot where I can just get them buttoned. Then you have to do that weird straight leg stand up so you don’t bend anywhere…because you just can’t. Surprise, surprise. For the first time in who knows how long, all those pants fit as soon as I put them on. ALL OF THEM!! Matter of fact, some were big. Scratch that. The majority of them were big and loose from the get go. I didn’t have to tell myself “Oh well, they will stretch as I wear them.” Now I have to tell myself “I hope they stay up once they stretch out.” And you know that was nice to say. Put a huge smile on my face and yeah, I even (gulp) felt pretty in some of them. I was feeling pretty good when I was done messing around in there.

Try it. Hit your closet and try on some clothes that were a smidge tight. I bet they are looser. And I’ll bet you walk out with a smile on your face. Just stay away from those ones in the back. Those are for later.

Some of My Favorite Foods

Here is a list of the foods and snacks that I've discovered so far on this journey. Most of these have become staples in our house and my entire family is eating them.

Thomas Bagel Thins - A great substitute for a regular bagel. They just cut the middle section out of a bagel so you get all the good crispiness when toasted. They come in Whole Wheat, Everything and Plain. Best part? Only 1 point for the whole bagel. Top it with one wedge of Laughing Cow Light Creamy Garlic and Herb Cheese (another point) and you have a delicious breakfast for only 2 points!!

Special K Red Berries Cereal – 1 cup is only 2 points and it is so delicious!

Oroweat Sandwich Thins - they come in the round bun shape or the long skinny ones called Fill'ems. The long shape is great for hotdogs or big sandiwches. Best part is that the entire bun is only 1 point.

Sara Lee 45 Calorie Bread - you can get two slices of bread for 1 point!!

Edamame in the Pods – a great snack. One cup is only 1 point. Since you have to pop them out of the shell, they take a while to eat and are packed with protein. I get the ones that are lightly salted so it satisfies that snacking bug that wants chips.

Cucumbers – English to be precise. Love, love, love them. Sliced with a little sprinkle of salt, served with hummus or sprinkled with red wine or balsamic vinegar. Delish!!

Hummus – oh, how I love thee!! Great to have with carrots or cucumber slices in place of chips with a sandwich. My favorite? Sabra Roasted Red Pepper…to die for!

Beefsteak Tomatoes – sliced with a drizzle of ranch dressing. I got so sick of salads. This makes the perfect substitution.

Frozen Fruit – I eat a bowl of frozen fruit instead of popcorn sometimes when I watch a movie. It takes a while to eat and usually runs 1-2 points for the bowl. I love the one with strawberries, peaches, pineapple and mango.

Fast Food – Can anyone say Taco Bell? I love their crunchy tacos fresco style. Only 3 points each and you feel like you are being sooo bad…LOL

Salmon – I love salmon!! We usually have it topped with a reduction of balsamic vinegar sweetened with a little honey or brown sugar. Makes a perfect glaze for the fish. Even my 2 year old daughter loves salmon!

Popcorn – Microwave, 94% fat free is only 1 point for 5 cups!! So, the whole bowl is mine, mine, mine!! LOL

Desserts – I love desserts and Weight Watchers Smart Ones Desserts are my favorite. Even my Hubby is eating them all the time. I love the Key Lime Pie (only 4 points) and the Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream Sundae…so good!

Skinny Cow Individual Ice Cream Cups – at only 2-3 points each they are a must for any ice cream lover. So good and a perfect portion.

I'll update this list as I make new discoveries and I'd love to hear what some of your favorite foods and snacks. (And my dear Leslie - no chocolate and peanut butter...LOL)

Measuring Cups and Spoons Evil?

I really detest measuring my food. It takes time and is really annoying. But I’ve realized it is a necessary evil for me to reach my goal. As a nation, our idea of a portion of food is on the large side…the really, really large side. We always want the most, the biggest amount.even when it isn’t good for us. I know that Super Sizing at a fast-food restaurant had become second nature for me. I’ve had to relearn what a normal portion of food looks likes and realized that my sense of portion is completely skewed.

For example, a ½ cup of rice looks really small to me and a cup of rice looks really big. Neither of them look the way I think that amount of rice should look. My expectations of each measurement contradict each other. A tablespoon of mayonnaise is so tiny but 2 tablespoons is way too much. And for the record, the spoons you eat with, big and small, are not equal to a tablespoon or a teaspoon like I always thought. Especially if you are piling it up on the spoon…LOL And I know I do that.

And don’t even get me started on the ounce measurement. That one is soooo tricky!! I thought 2 ounces of turkey lunchmeat would be nothing so I would need 6 ounces on my sandwich. I brought out the trusty food scale and realized that 6 ounces of meat was a ridiculous amount to put on a sandwich. That is almost half a pound!! Two to three ounces actually works best. Gives me the thick sandwich I love without straying into the are-you-out-of-your-mind category.

Yes, I have now become the person who measures her food. The measuring cups, spoons and the scale are constantly being used and while it is annoying it is also eye-opening. I find that I am eating much smaller portions now that I can see the measurements. And I think the results speak for themselves, right? As long as I keep losing, I guess I’ll keep measuring.

Fat Paralysis

Fat has a little known side-effect. It paralyzes you. Not just the physical weight of it which can make certain activities difficult but it also feeds on your fear. It makes you want to hide and not do anything. It leaves you afraid of being judged, afraid of being ridiculed, and afraid of being rejected by the world outside for just trying to fit in. And because of this paralysis, there are so many activities that just pass you by.

I was talking to my cousin, Sweet Bippy, about this very subject. She mentioned that she has a list of things she wants to do when she reaches her weight goal (which I’m hoping she will share with us). I thought that was an incredible idea so I started a list of my own.

Here is what I am looking forward to as I get smaller:

• White water rafting - yep, I really want to do it! They offer it in Three Rivers right next to where we go camping.

• Kayaking in Morro Bay - I see people doing this and it looks like so much fun

• Going to Disneyland and riding all the rides without the fear that I won’t fit

• Flying on an airplane (without spilling over the seat) and being able to travel without embarrassment

• Water slides - I really want to take the kids to the water park but I’m too embarrassed right now

• Go-karts – I want to take the kids and go racing

I’m sure there are many more things that I want to do and I’ll keep adding to this list as I think of them. But these will do for a start. Something to strive for…breaking through the Fat Paralysis.

What is on your list?

P.S. – You should check out Sweet Bippy’s blog “Sweet Bippy Cooks” at http://sweetbippycooks.blogspot.com/. My cuz is a fabulous cook and has been since we were kids. I miss her cooking but love having access to her recipes! Love ya Sweet Bippy!!

Hello 10%

Today was my weigh-in day and I’m thrilled to report that I’ve lost 3 lbs this week!! After losing only 1 lb last week, seeing this 3 lb loss made me ecstatic. But the best part is that I’ve hit my 10% goal. Well, actually a little more than 10%. I only needed to lose 34.4 lbs to reach my 10% weight loss goal but I’ve lost a total of 35 lbs.

This means I am I’ve lost 10% of me!! I take up 10% more room when I sit in a chair or on a couch. I am 90% of the woman I used to be…LOL (When I mentioned that to the Hubby he said he still loved me 100%..sometimes he is so sweet!) It is an incredibly awesome feeling. I know I am on the right track and reaching this goal proves to me that I can do this. I not only can but will keep going!!

And yes for all of you who truly know me, I did a happy dance all around the house!! There was just 10% less of me to dance...LOL

Bitter Pill

I know it has been a while since I posted. I haven’t been feeling well for the last few weeks. I was not in the mood to write or basically do anything. I’ve spent every day on the verge of tears and I’ve just been an emotional mess. I am constantly balancing on the edge of this big black abyss known as depression. I know that if I fall, I will disappear into it forever. It’s a scary feeling and I hate it. I’ve stumbled a bit lately which led to an extremely emotional and unhappy me. Basically, I just lost myself for a bit.

But I did make a very important discovery over the last few weeks. I was reading Shape magazine and came across an article where a doctor said that exercise was important in fighting depression. I know in my last post I said I was going to get back into exercising again and I did for a day but I couldn’t get it together to do it again. But after I read that article, I swear you could see the light bulb turn on over my head. I put two and two together and realized that I had become more depressed the longer I went without exercising. My mom also mentioned that I was much happier when I was exercising. And she was right. Not only was exercising good for my overall physical well-being but it was also good for a my mental health.

As a life-long member of the” I Hate Exercise Club” this is a bitter pill to swallow. But the truth is the truth. I need to exercise and not just to lose weight which I’ve always seen as the main benefit of exercising. I need to do it to keep myself mentally and emotionally fit. To help me balance on the edge of that abyss. I’m back to exercising 5-6 days a week using the Wii and the treadmill and I already feel better.

Time to Confess

If you read the prior post, you know I lost 2 lbs last week and reached a total loss of 31 lbs. It is an awesome feat (if I do say so myself…and I do..LOL). But I have a confession to make. I’ve fallen off the exercise bandwagon. I haven’t worked out since we returned from our camping trip over a week ago. I’ve kept saying “tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow”. Sure, I have lots of reasons I couldn’t exercise: my “time of the month” arrived the day after we returned home, I’ve been getting my house ready for visiting relatives, I am jumping through hoops trying to register my son for pre-school, blah, blah, blah. I’ve always been good at coming up with reasons to be lazy. I’ve got that Little Fat Girl inside to help me. She loves to laze around and will avoid exercise at all cost. Even when she knows that I feel better when I do it.

Enough with the excuses. Time to get back to it and you know what, I’m not going to start tomorrow or the next day or the next. I’m going to start today. It’s time to turn it up a notch so I can keep losing, keep getting healthier.

Put on your sweats, Little Fat Girl. It’s time to sweat!!

Broke The 30 LB Mark

Today I reached a milestone. I lost 2 lbs this week which puts me at 31 lbs lost. I have been trying to reach the 30 lb mark for quite a while now but it stayed just out of reach. It was frustrating and making me crazy. The longer it took to reach it the more important it became to me. Isn’t that just about true with anything?...LOL

I realize that 30 may seem like a random number but to me it means that I am truly on my way. It represents my commitment to losing weight and getting healthy. I can’t remember the last time I lost 30 lbs. Well, actually, that is just a figure of speech…LOL I definitely can remember the last time I lost this much weight. It was between 1997-1998 when I lost 87 lbs total. Honestly, do you think I could ever forget being smaller? Could anyone?..LOL I reached my goal back then and losing 31 lbs now shows me I am on the right path. It reinforces my belief in myself and shows the Little Fat Girl inside that I CAN DO THIS!!! It is not impossible. It is not unimaginable. It is not unreachable.

I am One Fat Chick, hear me roar!!! (yeah, I had to…LOL)

My Camping Revelations

We spent 5 days in Morro Bay last week like we do every July. I discussed how much I was looking forward to this trip in an earlier post because of my weight loss and my overall better health. And boy, did it make a difference. I had the best time ever! I may have gone camping there 5 pounds lighter at some point during the last 6 years but never in better shape.

Here are a few of the things I noticed while camping this year:

• First and foremost, potty time is important time..LOL I can get in and out of our bathroom in the trailer much, much easier. It was awesome!! I didn’t feel as uncomfortable as I usually do in there and there were no contortions involved when entering the bathroom. I must say it again…..AWESOME!!

• My big, bulky camping jacket was much looser on me. I keep this jacket in the trailer and only wear it when camping on the coast at night. It’s a men’s plaid jacket with the fake fur lining. It used to barely button but now it buttons and I can grab a handful of material and pull it away from me. I could really see the difference and that was inspiring!

• I actually squatted down and sat on the trailer steps. Then got back up without even thinking about it. It was incredible to know that I was strong enough to move like that!

• We rode the trolley around town. We have never done it before because of me and my fears. I was always too afraid I wouldn’t fit in the seat (which I did easily…I think I let my mind build these situations up to outlandish proportions). I also didn’t want to do it because that meant that I would have to walk around town when we got there and heaven forbid! I didn’t want everyone to see how tired I would get from walking. Well, I’m really glad we did it this time. We did it two days of our vacation. On the second day, we spent 5 hours in town walking around and riding on the trolley. The kids had a blast and I was able to experience the beautiful town of Morro Bay in a way I never had. Plus, I never got tired or wanted to go back.

• I walked and walked and walked. Mostly with my kids around the campgrounds and I loved it. My daughter and I even did a few small sprints. I didn’t even care what I looked like or what anyone else thought. Lili and I were laughing and having fun. Isn’t that what is most important anyway? Besides, it gave my 70 year old father-in-law a break. I’m ashamed to say that he usually took the kids for walks because I was too out of shape and/or lazy to do it. Pretty pathetic, right? But that’s over and done with. That's not who I am anymore.

I know some of these items may seem small or inconsequential. But to me, they were huge. Each accomplishment, no matter how small, keeps me motivated and keeps me on my journey. This year it was a new healthier, happier me that went to Morro Bay and I like her. I like her enough that I voluntarily had a couple of pictures of myself taken. That is huge! Okay, no pun intended…LOL

Can’t wait to see what comes next on my journey!

After Camping Weigh-In

Today is my first day back from camping and wouldn’t you figure that it is also my weigh-in day. There is nothing scarier than having to weigh-in after vacation. Especially when said vacation involved eating a few things I normally don’t allow myself including an éclair and two orders of fish and chips (minus the chips since I don’t really like French fries). And, yes, I did have the orders of fish on two separate days. I didn’t go that crazy. I’m also lucky enough to have camped with relatives who made amazing homemade Mexican food including tamales (I had two with breakfast one day) and sopapillas which are like crack…seriously...LOL For those who are unfamiliar with them, here is the definition found on Wikipedia.org:

“A sopaipilla, sopapilla, sopaipa, or cachanga is a kind of fried pastry and a type of quick bread served in Argentina, Bolivia, Chile, north of Mexico, New Mexico, Peru, and Texas. “

Trust me, they are delicious either by themselves, with beans on top or even as a dessert sprinkled with powdered sugar or cinnamon and sugar. Delish!! I ate my plain. I figured the fried dough is bad enough without adding to it. LOL

See, what I mean? I got carried away just talking about sopapillas! Back to my weigh-in. I was quite surprised this morning to see that despite my transgressions, I actually lost a pound!! I would have been happy to just not have gained but to lose makes me ecstatic! I am attributing the weight loss to the walking I did with my kids around the campgrounds and the town. I even brought my free weights and did some upper body exercises in the trailer. I guess when I think about it, I didn’t go completely off the rails.

Now that I’m back home, it’s time to get back into exercising and tracking my WW points again. I am aiming to reach that 30 lb mark next week. Fingers crossed!

Ready to Get My Camp On

We are heading out for the coast today for 5 lovely days. I am so excited to get out there and just relax in the cool weather. It’s been so hot and miserable here.
We have gone to Morro Bay every year in July for the last 6 years. It is a tradition in my hubby’s family for over 30 years and it is a great place to be when it is over 100 degrees in our town.

I’ll admit that as much as I have always loved camping, I really began to dread these trips over the last few years. I didn’t want to have to go walking in town or on the beach or have to chase the kids all over the campgrounds because I just wasn’t in shape for it. I didn’t want to deal with camping chairs or finding clothes to wear that actually fit. As stated in a previous post, it was just easier to stay at home where it is safe but I always went and was miserable a lot of the time.

But this year is different. I feel great and my body is so much stronger. My energy levels are way up. I’m actually looking forward to walking around town, taking the kids for walks around the campsite and pretty much anything else that comes up. I can’t believe how much I’m looking forward to all of it.

The trailer is packed with healthy food and snacks, lots of water, tequila and my lite margarita mix (you know there is tequila..LOL) and even my hand weights so I can get some exercise in while I’m there. I’ll do a little strength training and walking so I don’t lose any of the progress I’ve made.

Now, I’m just waiting for the hubby to get home because….I’m ready to get my camp on!!

Wednesday Weigh-In and the Water Phenomenon

This morning was my official weekly weigh in and I’m down another pound. I was hoping for 3 so I could make an even 30 but that may have been pushing it. Especially since my visitor from hell is due today and all you ladies out there know how that plays havoc with our scales. I’m just going to take this loss and be happy with it. I also took my measurements and I’m down a ½" on my bust, 1" on my hips (FINALLY!!..my toughest area) and ½" on my waist. I guess the hour long workouts 5-6 days a week are working. I’d hate to lose all that sweat for nothing! LOL

Here is something I experienced last night that I found frustrating and fascinating all at once. We will call it the Water Phenomenon. I was drinking water like crazy yesterday. I have a cup that holds 32 oz (equal to 4-8oz cups) which I use every day to ensure I meet my daily 8 cups of water requirement. I just have to drink two of them a day and I get 64 oz of good ol’ H2o. It’s got a lid so I can even take it with me when I run my errands. This also eliminates the temptation of stopping for a nice, cold calorie-laden drink when out and about.

I guess I was very thirsty yesterday because I drank 5 of those starting in the late afternoon/early evening until about 10pm. We are talking 160 oz of water in a short period of time. And then I had the bright idea to weigh myself last night to see if I was going to be disappointed in the morning. I know, I know. You aren’t supposed to do that. (Yes, Mom, you have told me to knock that off…LOL). Anyway, my scale said I weighed 324 lbs!! I was shocked. I weighed 316 lbs that afternoon. How was that possible? I started to freak out. I even put a 5 lb hand weight on the scale to see if it was broken. It wasn’t. I wanted to cry. How could I possibly gain 8 lbs during one afternoon?

I did what anyone would do. I hit the internet in my search to find out what the heck had happened and if it was possible to gain that much weight in such a short period of time. Logically, I know you have to take in 3500 calories more than you burn to gain a pound. I know I didn't eat 28,000 calories during that afternoon...LOL

I found out that 1 – 8oz glass of water weighs ½ a pound and you usually weigh more at night because your body hasn’t had time to process all that you have consumed during the day. Well, in about 4 hours I had consumed 20 8-oz glasses of water which equals 10 lbs! Now, I know you can’t believe everything you read online but I was really, really hoping that was true and in my case it was. I peed all night long. I must have gone to the bathroom 15 times last night. It was a major pain in the bottom but when I woke up this morning I was back to my 316 lbs. Thank goodness!

What lesson have I learned from this? DON’T WEIGH YOURSELF AT NIGHT!!! It’s depressing and frustrating. So no more. And to all of you who just rolled your eyes at that because you know I am seriously addicted to my scale, well…okay, I promise I will try to not do it, how’s that?...LOL

Bad News = Bad Habits

I received a letter today from a company letting me know they are going to pursue other applicants. I had a short telephone interview with them last week in which we my skills and salary history. A part of me knew that I wasn't going to get it before I even hung up but I held out a small amount of hope that I'd be called in for a face-to-face interview. As usual, talking about my previous salaries in this economy is a death sentence. Not that I made a tremendous amount of money because I didn’t but it was more than most people want to pay during these times. I’m aware I can't get as much now and will happily settle for less but it doesn't seem to matter. Bless all those well-meaning people who tell you it isn't personal when you don't get the job or even a call back. I try to believe them, I do. I swear it...but it does feel personal. It’s still a rejection. If you have ever looked for a job you understand what I’m talking about.

Now I bet you are wondering what receiving that letter has to do with this blog. Simple answer is that it was bad news and I did what I always do when I get bad news…I ate. It’s hard to admit I did it but I fell right back into that old mindset. That little fat girl started dancing through my mind again telling me that food will make it all better. Oh she danced and pranced and laughed. Encouraged me to eat and eat and eat. Reminded me how those cookies and that ice cream will make me feel better. Make all the bad go away. How much better I'll feel after I eat it all.

And I listened to her...well, for a little bit. I had a Weight Watchers dessert topped with Cool Whip Lite, followed by a bag of microwave kettle corn and shortly before midnight I followed all of that up with a Bagel Thin spread with two triangles of Laughing Cow cheese. Mind you, that this was on top of the nice pasta dinner I had earlier tonight. To be perfectly honest, I could eat so much more right now. It’s taking all my willpower not to dive into that pantry and go crazy.

But I know it won’t make a difference. No matter what that little fat girl whispers in my ear, eating won’t make me feel better. I’ll still be sad that I didn’t even get an interview, still feel like I’ve been rejected, and I will still take it all personally. At least for a little while. And then I will shrug it off and keep plugging along because, really, what other choice do I have?

Unfortunately, it won’t be as easy to shrug off the cake, cookies, chips, ice cream, and whatever else I manage to find to eat the hurt away. So, I’m going to stop the binge now and lock that little fat girl away again. It wasn't too bad this time. I still haven’t even gone over my WW points for the day so I’m okay. I know it was a little binge and I know what triggered it. I’m going to count that as a plus. I’m actually beginning to understand and recognize my destructive behaviors. I’ve come so far in the past few months with eating right and exercising. I can’t let this bit of bad news be the catalyst that ends it all.

And to make sure it doesn’t, I’m off to bed before my willpower wavers. There isn't any food in there so I should be pretty safe. LOL

Good night all!

Blah

Okay, it was bound to happen. I’ve hit “blah”. You know “blah”, don’t you? That is the period when nothing is exciting or motivating. It’s when I can’t seem to be satisfied with anything…not watching a movie, a TV show, reading a book, going somewhere, staying home, exercising, playing with the kids, not playing with the kids, napping, etc. Nothing is making me happy! And I’m having trouble shaking it. I hate when I get like this. Ugh!!

For the last two or three days, I’ve just felt so blah. I can’t seem to get motivated to do anything! I’ve taken two days off from exercising which is okay because it goes with my schedule but I haven’t done that in forever. And today I’m struggling to get moving. I’ve been doing everything I can to avoid it and I’m so disappointed in myself. I’ve been doing so well for the past 12 weeks (wow…that’s pretty good, huh?) and exercising had become second-nature so this is really ticking me off.

Now is the “why” part of this post. Why am I feeling this way? I have no idea. I am hoping that it is because my monthly visitor is due soon as this feeling will pass with her. That is if I’m lucky. It could also be that I’ve been stuck at home with the kids with little to no adult interaction. I don’t do well with that. I miss being with adults during the day. The fact that I’ve been looking for a job without any luck I’m sure is another factor. Not to mention that sad situations have arisen left and right with friends and family. I won’t disclose them here because they are not mine to discuss but my heart bleeds for them.

It could be any one of the above but more than likely it’s a combination of all. It’s my own personal perfect storm that is creating this emotional morass known as “blah”. I do know that I really have to fight this feeling and drag myself out of this as soon as possible. It is like quicksand and will slowly drag me down to the depths of depression. A place I have spent enough of my life in and have no intention of visiting again.

I have to get moving. I have to get motivated. I have to do something…which leads me to ending this post and getting up from this chair. So, with one final sigh, it’s time to turn on the Wii and burn off some calories and hopefully some of this “blah”. Wish me luck.

Update at 3:20pm same day:

Well, i did finally move. 30 minute Wii EA Sports Active workout followed by a 30 minute The Biggest Loser Cardio Max DVD workout (first time I've done that one and it is a killer). I'm a sweaty mess right now. Still blah but feeling a little better since I didn't let it keep me from doing what I needed to do. I guess that is a bit of happiness I should try to hold on to, huh?

Happy

Today I am happy.

It’s been so long since I felt this way that I’m in shock. I’m not upset, irritated, annoyed, dismayed, disappointed or defeated. I’m not angry at myself or sad. This is honestly the weirdest feeling. I’ve felt all of those other negative emotions for so long that they became second nature. I’ve forgotten what it is like to feel positive.

I had a 3 lb weight loss this week which put me at 27 lbs total. It’s seems like with each pound I lose, I start to believe more and more that I can truly do this. Slowly but surely I can get where I want to be. I’ve also lost another inch off of my arms and half of an inch off of my thighs and waist. Proof positive that I am a smaller me than I was when I started this journey.

And on top of that, I reached a goal today. I’ve lost 5% of my weight from when I started on WW! I received a little purple star on my graph on WW online to mark this occasion. That made me smile even though it wasn’t anything tangible or big. But it is an acknowledgement of the work I’ve done and the effort I’ve put into this journey.

In response to all that I’ve accomplished so far, WW dropped my daily point allowance which believe it or not also made me smile. Since when does finding out I am allowed less food make me happy?...LOL It’s amazing that something I would have thought of as a punishment a few months ago has now become a reward.

I’ve also noticed a change in the way I view exercise. It is no longer something I “have to do” a certain number of days a week. I don't spend hours each day convincing myself to do it. It is a normal part of my routine. Part of my everyday life. I find myself getting dressed to exercise without thinking about it anymore. It’s become a part of who I am.

This journey I’m on has already changed me for the better and I’m not anywhere near my final goals yet. I can’t wait to see what other changes are in store for me along the way. But for right now, I’m going to concentrate on today.

Yes, today I am happy!

Independence from Fat

On the 4th of July I celebrated our country’s independence like the rest of the country. We took the kids to see the fireworks at the country club. No, we don’t belong to it….LOL We parked on the side of the street and stood by the car to watch the show. It was beautiful! And watching my children’s faces light up was the best part. My 2-year old daughter kept calling out each color (especially the pink..she loves pink) and saying how “pwetty” each one was while my 4-year old son made the “kaboom” noises with each blast.

At one point, my son said he was tired. I told him he would have to stand since my daughter was already on my hubby’s shoulders. And I couldn’t hold him. I mean, he is too heavy and I’m too weak to hold his 46 lb weight. So he did what 4 year olds do….he whined a little and kept trying to sit down on the ground. But since there wasn’t really a sidewalk, I didn’t want him to sit in someone’s yard. I finally told him to come here and I would hold him. To my surprise, I actually did. I was able to easily pick him up and put him on my hip. I held him for about 5 minutes until my arms got tired but I was shocked I was able to do that. And I was so proud of myself. I realized that my exercising was not only helping me lose the fat but truly building my muscles. I was stronger than I realized.

My hubby said he would take him if I could put my daughter on my shoulders. Once again, my first reaction was “No way”. I couldn’t hold her on my shoulders. They are my weakest part. I complain every time I have to do shoulder exercises. Plus, I’m clumsy and my balance has never been that strong. I’d topple right over or drop her…wouldn’t I? And who was going to get her down? I couldn’t possibly bring her down off of my shoulders. She weighs 34 lbs and I just knew I couldn’t lift that much weight up high enough to get her down. But after looking at her sweet face, I shook off my fears and said “Sure.”

My hubby put her on my shoulders and it was…fine. No problem at all. I was able to easily hold and balance her weight on my shoulders. I looked at my son on my hubby’s shoulders and my daughter on mine. I thought that we must look sort of sweet as a family. Kind of like a picture from a movie. We’ve never done this before. Actually, I should say I’ve never done this before. Up until now, I was always too tired and weak to hold them like this. In that moment, I realized something very important. Exercising was not only helping me burn the hated fat that I want to lose but also building up muscles and strength that I didn’t even know I was missing or that I wanted. And I do, I do want that. I loved holding my baby on my shoulders. And when it was time for her to get down, I just lifted her up and set her down. I didn’t even need any help!

This year the 4th of July was a celebration of our country’s independence but it meant a little more to me. That day as I held my baby on my shoulders, I celebrated my independence from the weight that held me prisoner and from my own inactivity that kept me weak.

A toast to a stronger and healthier me!!