Happy, Happy, Happy!

Today was my weigh-in day and the scale was nice to me. I’ve lost 2 lbs for a total of 24 lbs. I’m so excited! And not just because I had a loss this week but because I lost it even though I was camping this weekend. I’ve proven to myself that I am capable of eating healthy while camping. I am capable of making changes and not allowing food to rule my life. I may actually be in control of my weight…which is shocking and wonderful.

I decided to dig in my closet today for a pair of jeans one size smaller than I’ve been wearing and give them a try. This is always a dangerous proposition because I run the risk of becoming depressed if they don’t fit. But happily for me, they did!! I’ve dropped from a 28 to a 26! I haven’t worn these jeans since my son was 8 months old….almost 4 years ago!

I’ll admit it. I am a big dork and I cried. Crying over getting into a pair of jeans one size smaller may seem ridiculous to some of you but I didn’t think I was ever going to be able to wear these again. When I lost my insurance and my chance to have the WLS, I thought that was it. I was doomed to be a size 28 or even bigger. But I’m not. I’m really not. Wow…

The Healthy Camping Report

Back from a great camping trip. We had so much fun and were able to eat healthy the whole time. I did have a small piece of ice cream cake for my hubby’s birthday but I was still within my points. I have to report that the lite margaritas were fantastic! I used the Master of Mixes Lite Margarita mix which has only 10 calories per 4 oz serving. There is no sugar added so I added one-two packets of Splenda to each drink and it was party time!! Even my hubby and one of my girlfriends liked them. Thank you Master of Mixes!

Another idea that was a hit was the frozen fruit. Everyone loved it and it was the perfect treat on a hot day. The frozen fruit satisfied my sweet tooth (well, mostly…I mean, come on. It wasn’t chocolate..LOL). And it was so refreshing on such a hot, hot, hot day. Have I mentioned it was hot?...LOL

I noticed a few really cool things while camping that are going to encourage me to stick with my new healthy lifestyle. My hubby and I sleep on a full-size bed in our trailer. You read that right. A full-size…not a queen. We’ve always been comfortable even though we are large-sized people (gosh, you gotta love all the different ways I can come up with to say “fat”…LOL). But this time we noticed a difference. Between the two of us, we have lost 44 lbs! That is the same amount as my 4 year old son! It definitely made a difference in bed. Well, mostly for him since I still sleep on the edge of the bed. (I’ve always slept on the edge of the bed no matter how small or large I am. It’s just an old habit.) But the smaller “us” gave him more room to spread out. It was great for us and I’m sure the bed frame was loving it too…LOL

Oh, have you ever seen the size of a bathroom in an 18 ft trailer? We are talking small, small, small. Those bathrooms are made for stick figures...LOL Getting in and out has been a problem for me since we bought the thing. Always had to shimmy a little to get in but not anymore. I can slide past the door frame just a little easier.

I also noticed a difference when I had to get off the boat to go swimming. It was still a little awkward for me but definitely easier than last time. I felt such a huge sense of accomplishment when I realized that getting on and off the boat wasn’t as difficult. And as always, I spent tons of time in the water. Great cardio workout when you have to swim with a 35 lb weight attached to your back or chest. By the way, that weight goes by the name of “Lili”…LOL

And my energy level was through the roof! I didn’t get as tired as usual. Walking around the campgrounds, going to my friend’s campsite or down to the little beach wasn’t a big deal. I never thought about it or found myself dreading it. It was normal. I was normal!!! Yippee!! And to top it off, I think I was the person who was the least tired when we got back from the lake. Pretty great when you take into consideration that I was the heaviest person there (gosh, that still hurts to write..LOL). And I didn’t sit around the whole time. I was constantly swimming and moving. Once again, I credit the exercising with that as much as the lost pounds. I know that I'm building those muscles located under all this fat and that is making all the difference.

I’m also happy to report that I wore denim capris everyday. Yep, denim all day long. This is huge for a girl who used to only wear jeans when she had to leave the house. The best part is that not only were they comfortable but also a little baggy. I loved it!!

Some of these little things may seem silly or not that big of a deal especially if you have never been overweight. But for me, they are huge. I think it is important to not only acknowledge these little milestones but to revel in them. As a fat person, you spend so much time being down on yourself that it becomes second nature. Now it’s time to learn to love my accomplishments no matter how small. Each one makes it a little easier to keep on the straight and narrow. To keep changing and growing…growing smaller that is.

Healthy Camping?

Just putting those two words together seems wrong. Camping has always meant s’mores, donuts, chips, hamburgers, hot dogs, candy, soda (when I was younger), alcohol (now…LOL), etc. You aren’t supposed to diet while you are camping. You are supposed to party and have fun, and we all know that dieting is not fun!! Until recently, camping was synonymous with “free-for-all” to me. Everything was okay to eat because I was camping! That may not make sense to some of you but that is how my brain works. Scary, huh?..LOL

I’ve had to change the way I view camping since I’ve started this journey. Having fun doesn’t have to mean eating bad. The “fun” I have shouldn’t revolve around the food I eat. It should revolve around the people I’m with and the activities we do.
I’ve cut out all the junk and changed a few things.

Here's how I'm dealing with being healthy while camping...

• We still have hamburgers and hot dogs we just buy the turkey variety and use Sandwich Thins instead of regular buns. (Those Oroweat Sandwich Thins are awesome and only 1 point for the whole bun.)

• I keep a bowl of fruit on the table in the trailer and I bought a big bag of frozen fruit to have for dessert. Soooo yummy!!

• Veggie kabobs are one of Rob’s favorites so we have those at dinner each night. Chop up veggies (we uses onion, different colored peppers, mushrooms, zucchini and yellow squash) and put on skewers. Spray with olive oil cooking spray, sprinkle on the seasoning of your choice and grill. Really delicious.

• Also have salads. They are fresh and light in calories.

• Breakfasts revolve around egg burritos made with whole wheat tortillas and pancakes with sugar-free syrup (Mrs. Butterworth makes a good one).

• For a sweet treat, I bring yogurt and fat-free sugar-free puddings. I’m also going to bring some Mock Ice Cream Sandwiches (2 tbsp Cool Whip Lite or Free between two graham crackers then freeze and wrap separately in tin foil).

• Water…lots of water. I also bought about 5 boxes of the individual sugar-free low calorie drink mixes. Shakes it up a little bit without adding the sodium or calories of soda.

• Alcohol always leads to tequila. LOL I found a lite margarita mix at Walmart that is only 10 calories per 4 oz serving which means I can have a 6 oz margarita for 2 points. My idea of heaven. I’ll let you all know how it tastes.

Camping can be healthy. It really can and I think I’ve almost convinced myself of that…LOL

I DID IT!!!

I am happy to report that I have finished the 6 week challenge on EA Sports Personal Trainer More Workouts today. That means I worked out 4-6 times per week for the 6 weeks. I can’t believe I did it. I’m so proud I could burst!!

What did I learn during this challenge?

• I can actually exercise. I won’t die if I move…LOL Seriously, I can do it. Do I love it? No, not really but I’m definitely beginning to develop a crush on it.

• I hate squats and lunges. They are the devil’s tool. But I will grudgingly admit that they work. I’ve noticed that I don’t have to think before I get up from a sitting position anymore. Moving is coming more naturally. I also noticed I can climb stairs and I don’t feel like dying when I reach the top. I also can tighten muscles in my butt I don’t even remember having…LOL

• I love doing bicep curls. I feel so powerful when I do them. I know, it’s weird…LOL

• Shoulder exercises are a bitch. Plain and simple but they are necessary and I will do them.

• Jogging lightly in place actually gets my blood pumping instead of killing me like I believed it would.

• I really like aerobics and now I want to buy a Jazzercise DVD. Remember Jazzercise? I forgot how much I liked it back in the ‘80s.

• Cardio-boxing is my ideal workout. I love punching! Sparring is so much fun and I love hitting the targets. I still need to work on my body movements (moving left, right and ducking down) but I find the whole exercise exhilarating. And it is a great way to work off a bad mood!

Overall, I realized that exercising does make me feel better physically and mentally. I feel good when I’m done with a workout. I have a sense of pride in my accomplishment even though I will moan and groan about it. I know I can do this and I know that exercising is going to help me reach my goal. I will be not only physically smaller but stronger. I like stronger!

On Tuesday, I will be starting the 6 week challenge over again at a higher intensity. And I’ll be picking up a Jazzercise DVD or two.

I recommend the EA Sports Personal Trainer Wii games to anyone who wants to start exercising again. It's fun, interactive, and best of all, it works at your fitness level.

Fair warning…you will become addicted!

Another Wednesday, Another Weigh-In

Well, it was just an okay weigh-in. I’ve lost another pound and that puts me at 22 lbs lost. I wish it was a little more but it is better than gaining, right? So I’ll just have to be happy with that. I also took my measurements today. That is something I really need to do when I have such a small weight loss to keep up my momentum. Otherwise, I just feel like I did all this work for nothing and that is so depressing. And since I’m an emotional eater, depression leads to chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

As of today, I have lost the following inches:

Chest – 5” (and no I didn’t lose my boobs…just the back fat..LOL)

Waist – 2.5”

Hips – 1” (yep, those hips are so hard to lose)

Thighs – 1.5”

Arms – 2.5”

As you can see, I’m losing inches much faster in my upper body than in my lower. That is par for the course. I’ve always carried my weight in my hips and thighs. I’m going to work on toning those but I’m realistic enough to know that losing weight in those areas is definitely going to be harder.

I’m also going to take solace in the fact that I put on some work clothes for an interview this week and they fit better than they ever have and were even a little loose.

I won’t be discouraged. I won’t be discouraged. I won’t be discouraged. (Yep, my mantra for the day). Next week will be even better.

The Joy of a Bubble Bath

I have always loved taking baths. Nice, long, hot bubble baths have always been a favorite. A perfect go-to gift for me was always bath supplies: bubble bath, scented soaps, bath salts, etc. You name it and I loved it. I even read Of Mice and Men in the bath when I was in high school. Yes, the entire novel in one sitting. As I mentioned before, I am a water baby and be it a lake, river, the ocean, pool or even a bath, I want in it.

As I got bigger, baths became a part of my past. Something else I let the “fat” take away from me. My last apartment where I lived alone didn’t have a bath..only a shower. It was a rough adjustment but worth the sacrifice since I could afford the rent and it was in a nice neighborhood. Then when we moved to Bakersfield and I finally had a bath again, I was much, much bigger. After all the anticipation of waiting for our house to be built with my oval tub in the bathroom, it was quite a letdown when I got in it. I was too big. I wasn’t comfortable and getting out was a nightmare. After two years without a bath in my apartment, this wasn’t what I remembered or wanted. That was 6 1/2 years ago. It was horrible and I haven’t taken another bath since.

Until tonight. I finally said “Screw it”. I grabbed my book, the Vanilla Frosting bubble bath (which I bought for the kids…LOL), locked the bedroom door and filled up the tub. I slipped into the tub and it was….DELIGHTFUL!! HEAVENLY!! Exactly what I needed. I was able to relax, let my worries go, dove into a book and just let my muscles soak in the warm water. I spent a wonderful hour in the bathtub and it felt like coming home.

Yeah, it was a little uncomfortable but not as bad as I remembered from that long ago time. The oval tub is actually quite awesome and fits someone my size a little better. Getting up was also easier than I remembered but that is probably due to the fact that I workout now and actually have some muscles under this fat to help lift myself up. Sure, I’m looking forward to being in the bath again when I’m smaller but I’m not willing to wait anymore. I’m not willing to give up anything anymore. I’m taking my bath-time back!!

There was really only one problem…

…I NEED A BATH PILLOW!!! LOL

My Weight Issues and My Kids

I’ve been overweight for most of my life and so has my hubby. One of my greatest fears has always been that our children will end up overweight as well. Let’s face it, they most definitely did not hit the genetic jackpot when it comes to weight. Chances are pretty good that they will have a weight problem and that has worried me since they were born. I don’t want my children to go through the emotional and physical issues that I have to deal with because I’m obese. I don’t want them to sit on the sidelines in school because of their weight. I want them to experience all the things I didn’t…like prom, high school dating, fitting in, etc. And I don’t want them to be teased because of their weight. Life is hard enough when you get older. I want them to enjoy their childhood and teen years…well, as much as possible with puberty in the mix…LOL I will do everything I can to protect them from making my mistakes. And sometimes I’ve gone too far with it.

I’ve been very careful about what they are allowed to eat. I was especially vigilant until a little more than a year ago when the therapist I was seeing at the time pointed out that my issues with food and overeating are MY issues and not my childrens’. She told me that it wasn’t fair of me to put my issues on them and that I needed to approach the situation differently. She pointed out that being so strict with my kids was going to push them towards food and not away from it. I was making food too big of a part of their lives because I was so focused on it. I needed to teach them that food is just fuel for the body.

I was shocked and I realized that she was right. I started crying in her office because I thought everything I was doing was right but I was actually harming my children. I made a decision there and then that I would change how I approached food when it comes to what they eat. That I would help them realize that food is just food, to learn to eat when they are hungry and to stop when they are full, and to make healthy choices with the occasional treat.

I am not as strict anymore. I still don’t allow the kids to get food out of the pantry or the fridge without asking. I stock up on fruit, yogurt, and sugar-free fat-free jello and pudding. Believe it or not, but my kids actually prefer yogurt over lots of sweet treats. They eat wheat bread instead of white and they like brown rice. My daughter loves veggies but I have to bribe my son to eat them by putting a little low fat ranch dressing on them. Hey, I'm not above bribery...LO They don’t have to clean their plates to have dessert but they do have to make an effort to eat a little of everything. And soda is still a no-no but they can have all the Crystal Light they can drink. I have been making their chocolate milk with sugar-free syrup and they have no idea it's sugar-free. And this is how I want them to grow up. I want them to make smart choices as a way of life.

Don’t get me wrong. They still want candy, cookies, etc. I just give them other options to choose from and it seems to be working.

Plus, isn’t that what grandparents are for? LOL (yes, Mom, I mean you!! LOL)

The Wedding Dilemma

“My friend So-And-So is getting married and we’ve been invited” were the words that left my hubby’s mouth.

Those words set loose a storm of emotions. Anxiety set in and started messing with my head. I’m not a social creature to begin with (very shy unless I know everyone at the party) and since I’ve put on this weight it’s only gotten worse. Now I have to go to a party with a large group of people I don’t really know. So many thoughts ran rampant through my brain from “How do I get out of this?” to “Oh no! My hubby’s friends are going to see his fat wife!” Like his friends haven’t seen me or pictures of me. (And she is back. “Hello, Little Fat Girl. You are having a field day with this one, aren’t you?” Yes, she is never gone for long. Sigh.)

After the initial panic was over I realized it was time to shut that Little Fat Girl up. I have to suck it up and just accept we are going to the wedding. This is my husband’s childhood friend and I won’t let my hang-ups make him miss this. That was actually easier than I thought. I’m getting stronger than that Little Fat Girl every day!

My next thoughts were wholly female. “Oh crap…now I have to dress up” which was quickly followed by “I have nothing to wear!” I immediately told my hubby that I needed to go shopping. Any excuse to shop, right?..LOL He made that face (you know the one they make whenever we mention shopping. …LOL) and told me that I have plenty of clothes in my closet. I hate when he says that but I will admit he is absolutely right. I do have lots and lots of clothes. Matter of fact, I have tons of clothes in my closet, in boxes under my bed and in the garage. Unfortunately, the majority of them don’t fit and those that do are tight and uncomfortable.

Or so I thought! I decided to try on some of my cuter tops yesterday just to see if I could find anything to wear. Imagine my surprise when the largest size in my closet wasn’t too tight anymore. When it actually fit the way it was supposed to or was even….could it possibly be true?....too big!! Yippee!! Another sign that what I’m doing is working. Imagine how everything will fit when it gets closer to the wedding and I’ve dropped some more weight and shaved a few more inches off of my body.

There are definitely some cute outfits in my closet that I can wear to the wedding so the “What to wear” question has been answered. The best part is I don’t have to settle for the only thing I can fit into and actually have some options for a change. I like this. I like this a lot! But the shopaholic in me can’t help thinking…

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if I did have to buy a new outfit for the wedding because everything in my closet was too big instead of too small? LOL

The Big Splash...Not Really...LOL

Summer is here and so is the heat. Bakersfield is hot, hot, hot!! The best way to cool off is to get in the water. Something I usually try to avoid because of my weight. (I mean, come on, you saw that one coming right? LOL) I’d rather be hot and miserable than let people see how big I am. It’s not like I’m getting in a bikini or a swimsuit at all. I swim in cotton capris and a t-shirt for goodness’ sake. But still the thought of people looking at me freaks me out. Well, I should say it did freak me out. Since I started this blog and put my weight out there for all to see, I’m not as self-conscious about it anymore. I feel so liberated!

A good friend of mine invited a group of moms over with their kids for a little swim party yesterday. It was so great to get together with everyone and to see all the kids playing. Everyone was having so much fun. Robby, my son, was in the pool swimming away in his life vest. Lili, my daughter, wanted to get in the water as well but she needs me in there with her. I knew I was going to have go swimming and I was looking forward to it. I love to swim!

And then the time came to get in the pool. She has a beautiful pool surrounded by rocks on one side but there isn’t a railing to hold onto when you get in. I’m already clumsy naturally but add in an extra 160+ lbs on my frame and I’m a disaster waiting to happen. I debated trying to awkwardly walk into the pool and pray I don’t fall on my ample derriere. Then I thought I could jump into the pool and just get it over with. Problem with that was jumping into a pool is not something a fat person really wants to do. You have the “everybody watching me” problem along with the idea that you may just push all of the water out of the pool when you jump in. Of course that is an exaggeration of immense proportions but its part of the mind games you play with yourself. And top all of that off with the thought of “What if I can’t jump out far enough and bang my head on the side of the pool?”…Really? Come on!! All you have to do is take a big step off. You don’t have to jump 5 feet! Jeesh, my inner fat girl is so annoying!

I pushed all that negativity aside and I did it! I jumped into the pool! I can’t remember the last time I did that. And it was AWESOME! I felt like a kid again. I felt young and happy and free. It made me laugh like a loon. I enjoyed it so much that I did again…LOL Of course, I had to warn everyone who was sitting on the side of the pool that I may make a big splash and apologized ahead of time. (Self-deprecating talk is a habit that is so hard to break but I’m working on it.) By the way, I didn’t even really make a big splash according to my audience.

I proceeded to spend the better part of 3 hours in the pool just swimming, floating, treading water (all with a 35 lb weight on my back named Lili..LOL) I remembered why I loved the water so much and what a water-baby I truly am no matter how much I weigh. It was a wonderful way to spend the day and I plan to do it more often this summer…whether in a pool or a lake. I’m gonna get my swim on again!

It's Party Time!!

I finally broke the 20 lb barrier today. I’m down another 2 lbs this week which puts me at 21 lbs lost. I can’t remember the last time that happened. It’s been so long since anything I’ve done has really worked that I think I am in shock…LOL.

Over the past 8 years, I’ve done the same yo-yo dieting I’ve done for most of my life. You know the drill…10 lbs off, 20 lbs back on. As you can tell, it didn’t work out very well. I just kept getting heavier and heavier.

I think the difference from those other times and this time is pretty easy to decipher.

• This is NOT a diet. It’s a way of life. You don’t get a time out because you are celebrating or on vacation. It’s about being responsible for what you eat and making good choices throughout the day. I am finally taking responsibility for what I put in my mouth!

• There is not a miracle in the offing. I will not drop 20 lbs in a week. As much as I’d like that, it just ain’t going to happen. As I’ve stated earlier in this blog, it took me 8 years to put this weight on and I’ll be lucky to get it off in 2 years.

• Also, I’ve accepted, albeit reluctantly (LOL), that exercise is an important component to weight loss and good health. I have to move my body more to build muscle which in turns ups my almost non-existent metabolism. No matter how hard I have fought it over the years, I have to exercise.

• I’m not hiding it. I put it all out there and that in and of itself was extremely freeing. I feel like I’ve taken all of this pressure off of myself and can now concentrate on the important part….getting healthy.

Now I just have to keep reminding myself of all of the above things. Each day is a struggle and that won’t change but it can become easier. And these little victories and milestones, make it all worthwhile.

Oh and yes, I did a little happy dance in the bathroom this morning..LOL

Thank the Heavens for Taco Bell

I miss fast food. I don’t miss the calories and the fat that it seems to deposit directly on my thighs but I do miss the ease and convenience of it. Some days it is just easier to stop and grab something than it is to make it when you get home. I know I have to watch myself because I do like “easy” and I will keep stopping and grabbing if I let myself (which is abundantly clear…you don’t get fat by eating healthy, made at home food…LOL) So, it has become a treat when I’m just swamped running errands with my two little monsters.

Take today for instance, we went to the park, to the bank and to a couple of stores for Father’s Day stuff (not saying what…that is a surprise..LOL). By the time we were heading home, the kids were hot and cranky and so was I. Plus, I was starving!! The kids ate while we were out but I was being good and didn’t have anything other than a drink.

And like manna from heaven, I spied the Taco Bell sign on the side of the road. That is the one fast food place I will allow myself to go because of their fresco menu. If you haven’t tried it yet, you really should. Fresco style is delicious! They remove the cheese and sour cream and add salsa to the items. The best part is that the crunchy tacos fresco style are only 3 points each on WW!! They are cheap, satisfying , delicious, and I don’t feel guilty at all.

Thank you, Taco Bell! And I think I love you…..

The Little Fat Girl Inside

Do you have that voice inside that tells you it’s okay to skip exercising, eat the entire chocolate cake, have that extra bowl of ice cream? I do. I think of her as the little fat girl inside of me. She causes so many problems. I thought I had her under control. Silly me…sigh.

Saturday night/Sunday morning I had a little binge. I gobbled down 4 Mock Ice Cream Sandwiches one after the other (cool whip, chocolate pudding, graham crackers). They are only 2 points each on WW. Normally, not bad at all but since my points had just rolled over for the next day, I was going to lose 8 points right off the bat. I really didn’t want that. And the little b**** made her appearance and started whispering her snide comments to me:

“Just don’t put them down. No one will know.”

“Ohmigosh..you ate FOUR of them. Everyone will know you are a pig.”

“Don’t tell, don’t tell, don’t tell.”

Oh, I hate her! These are the same things she has always whispered to me my entire life. She is the reason I dealt with my emotions by eating in secret. Why I ate spoonfuls of sugar right out of the jar when my parents left the house as a kid. Ate 6 donuts in a row and hid the box. Ate a huge fast food meal and hid the bags. She has always been there telling me to hide, hide, hide. Don’t let anyone know. Telling me how horrible I am all the while encouraging me to do it. She is the personification of my eating disorder…I am a binge eater. The eating disorder specialist I was referred to while being treated for post-partum depression diagnosed me. Not that I didn’t already know. I might have hidden it from others but I know what I’ve eaten and how I eat it.

But there was as difference this time. I decided I wasn’t going to listen to her. I had done really well over the last few months. I didn’t binge at all and I was meticulous about journaling everything I ate. I was acknowledging what I ate on a daily basis. No more secret eating. No more hiding. That was over. I was in charge in now…not that fat little girl.

I reminded myself that WW is about acknowledging what you eat and making good choices. I can have anything I want to eat. Nothing is off-limits (or illegal, as my hubby says..LOL). I just have to accept responsibility for what I eat. And the only person I was cheating if I lied about it or ignored what I ate was me. So I wrote it down and subtracted my points. And with each point I subtracted, I pushed that fat little girl further away. I shackled her. I gagged her. I locked her away in a closet in my mind.

And I felt good! I didn’t fall back into a bad habit with an old friend. I was proud of myself. Now, I’m not fooling myself. I know she isn’t gone for long and somehow she will escape her shackles and be back to whisper in my ear during my next weak moment. But I know I can handle her now. She is no match for me! Bring it on baby!

"When I grow up....

….I wanna be an old woman.” Do you remember hearing that song on TV? I don’t remember what commercial but I sure do remember that song. It pops into my head at what I thought were random moments until I realized it is usually when some part of my body hurts. Aches and pains I shouldn’t be experiencing yet because I’m too damn young! But thanks to all the fat I’ve accumulated, I’m getting those aches and pains. My knees, my shoulders, my elbows…pretty much all my joints ache. I hate the fact that I hurt all the time, but why wouldn’t I? Think about all the added pressure my poor body has to handle. If a thin person strapped on 200 lbs of weights they wouldn’t be able to move let alone go about their day and that is exactly what I put my body through on a daily basis. I’m lucky it still works at all!

A lot of body parts ache when you are fat. Sometimes you don’t even notice because they are just a part of your life. So commonplace…nothing special. But they should be special and cause some concern. Those aches and pains are my body’s way of saying “Hey, lay off the ice cream, chica!”

My feet were one of those areas I didn’t realize were hurting until someone asked me if I have foot problems. Ever since then I feel each and every ache in my feet. Especially when I get up in the morning. OUCH!! I’m too young for this crap!! I truly am. I am only 38 years old. My grandfather is 91 years old, God bless him. That means If I’m lucky, I could be looking at another 53 years…53 years that I want…53 years to see my children grow into adults and have families of their own…53 years to LIVE!!

I will happily report that since I’ve started exercising the aches have lessened…especially in my feet. I’m moving easier and while the 19 lb weight loss definitely helps, I truly believe the exercising is the key. So every time that lazy girl inside whispers “I don’t want to exercise today”, “I don’t have time to do it”, “I’m just too tired”, I find myself singing…

“When I grow up, I wanna be an old woman.”

The Most Boring of all Meats

When I hear ground turkey, I think “Blah”. There is nothing wrong with it except its total and complete lack of flavor. It is so boring! And look at it. It’s so pale…it just screams tasteless. I know, I know, I know….(great big sigh) Turkey is one of the healthier meat choices and therefore we must suffer with its mediocrity.

And suffer I would, I thought. Suffer for the cause of better health. Then I found the best turkey meatloaf recipe ever!! Let me first explain that I LOVE meatloaf. It is my favorite dish from childhood. It’s the one thing I ask for when I go home to visit without fail. Nothing beats my Mom’s meatloaf, nothing. But thanks to Bethenny Frankel, I found a healthy substitute that comes really, really close. It is called the Comfort Turkey Meatloaf and it’s on her website (www.bethenny.com). Yes, she is one of those Housewives from New York. She is actually my favorite housewife and despite what Kelly says, quite the chef….LOL (Okay, if you watch the show, you got that…LOL)

Okay, back to the meatloaf. It is so good that my hubby asked me what kind of meat it was because he knows we rarely eat ground beef anymore. He couldn’t tell it was turkey, and really, isn’t that the point?...LOL The garlic, onion, parsley, rosemary, thyme, Dijon mustard, Worcestershire sauce, and ketchup give the meat so much flavor. And like all meatloaf, it is good the next day for sandwiches (guess what I'm having for lunch today?...LOL)

Best part is that it makes 8 good-sized servings and each serving is only 5 points on WW. Makes me so happy!

Hope you try it and let me know what you think!

I'm a Foodie

I’m sure you all are thinking that isn’t surprising since I’m fat. But the truth is, I was never a foodie before. I never loved food. I ate for emotional reasons. And sure food tastes good but it was never about that for me. It was never about the preparation, presentation or flavor. It was about what would fill that emotional hole in the fastest way.

I’ve come to the realization that I have recently become obsessed with food in all its glory. I watch cooking shows, look for recipes, and talk about it all the time. To my husband, my mom, my sister, my bestie, Siomara, my in-laws..everyone. It occupies my mind all the time. When I realized the extent I was thinking about food, I had to stop and wonder if this was healthy. Was this obsession with food a positive or negative in regards to the journey I’ve embarked on?

All evidence points to it being a positive force on my journey. I am actually thinking about what I’m eating and not just mindlessly shoving food in like I’ve been known to do. It takes no thought on my part to eat badly. It’s second nature and something I’ve spent years perfecting. Eating right is new to me. I have to retrain myself to eat throughout the day and not gorge. That training requires that I plan meals…what to eat and how to cook it. It also requires learning new cooking techniques to prepare food in a healthy way but also so that it is flavorful. I’m even growing some of my own herbs and learning the difference fresh herbs can make in a dish. (Okay for all those who just scoffed in disbelief…my hubby is doing the actual gardening…LOL) I’m learning how to make good choices so that I stay within my WW points during the day. I’m also learning how to splurge on one thing and realize that I need to cut it somewhere else to make up for the splurge. That is the hardest lesson…each choice has consequences.

None of this is easy. It requires effort to change a lifetime of thinking or actually NOT thinking about food.

So, yeah…I’m a foodie.

The SkinnyBee Margarita

I love tequila! For those of you who know me and partied with me before my marriage, you know that is a true statement. I love tequila in all its forms from shots to margaritas. Unfortunately, alcohol doesn’t like me as much. It likes to pack the pounds on me. You can undo all the hard work you’ve put into eating right during the day by having a few drinks. So, I’ve stopped drinking. Not completely. I just don’t drink often anymore.

My hubby and I went out to dinner this week for an adult-only dinner. You fellow parents know how rare and precious those dinners are…LOL I researched the menu at Applebee’s and made all my choices before I got there so I would stay within my WW points. I decided I wanted to use some of my precious points on a drink. I used the interactive cheat sheet on WW online and discovered that the best value for your points is a Bloody Mary. Not my favorite drink, but I do like them. And they are only 2 points. The decision was made. That was what I was getting and I couldn’t wait!

We get to Applebee’s and I order my drink before I open the menu. I'm not stupid! I sure didn’t trust myself not to change my mind when I saw those scrumptious pictures of frosty, salt-rimmed margaritas. As my husband ordered his, I finally looked at my menu and caught a quick glimpse of utopia in 4 beautiful words...…SkinnyBee Margarita…100 Calories. Oh my, yummy!! I quickly looked up the point value on my phone and it was also 2 points on WW. I figured it would be small or not taste as good as a regular margarita but I was willing to try it because I miss my tequila.

I was very happy when I saw it. No, it wasn’t as big as a regular margarita but it was definitely a decent amount. It was in a tall, frosty glass. I took my first drink and a smile lit up my face. It was delicious!! No, it is not a regular margarita but it is pretty darn close and definitely good enough to use 2 precious WW points on.

Thank you Applebee’s!!!! You have won my undying love and devotion.

Today I Ran...yup, I did...LOL

Today I ran. Actually, it was definitely more of a slow, awkward jog to the end of my block. I’m sure it wasn’t pretty…LOL I couldn’t make it back but I did make it there. I was embarrassed when I started. I didn’t want people to see me running. But then I realized, what in the world do I care what other people think of me jogging?!! Sometimes I let these faceless people make the most important decisions in my life. I need to stop that. I need to be the one in charge of these decisions.

So I ran with my kids. It was fun and I was proud of myself. My knees hurt during it and that’s not really a surprise, is it? They are carrying a bunch of weight on them. I expect more than my body can give sometimes. And when we were heading back to the house, my two-year old turned around and said “Come on. Run, Mommy.” I wish I could have run more with her and her brother. I really wanted to…but I definitely had to bow out. Told her I would do a fast walk back which I did.

I can’t remember the last time I ran anywhere. Heck, I didn’t like to run in high school. I always bowed out and volunteered to write the times down for Mr. Prince (and maybe add a few points to my grade while I had the book….I really hated PE but loved Mr. Prince..LOL).

I think it is time that I rethink my views on running/jogging. It’s time I change a little more. This little outing to get the mail with the kids has brought me to a new goal. I want to be able to run around the block by the end of summer. Wish me luck!

Healthy vs. Skinny

You may wonder why this is a fat chick’s journey to health and not to thin or skinny. You can never be too rich or too thin, right? Being skinny or thin is THE dream of every fat person in the world. Isn’t it?

I thought a lot about that and the truth of the matter is I will never be skinny or thin. I’m not built that way. A size 2 is something that is so far out of my realm of reality. Even when I lost all my weight before, I never referred to myself as skinny or thin. That just isn’t me. I will say “smaller”. Here are some body basics for me: I will always have boobs, booty and thighs. I will always be curvy, voluptuous, whatever you want to call it. It’s who I am and I’m okay with that. The size of the average woman in the USA is a 14. I would love to be a 14! Heck, at this point an 18 seems incredible. I’m not setting myself up for failure by dreaming of the day I will wear a size 2. But a size 10?...Now that’s the dream for me. :-)

The Picture Crisis

I was looking for a picture of myself to post on this blog. I hate pictures of me. I hate seeing what I look like and how big I have become. And that is pretty obvious considering how very few pictures of me I had to choose from. When you are fat, you avoid the camera like the plague. You always know who has the camera or video camera. You can dodge and dash with the best of them when the cameras come into play. I’ve gotten remarkably good at it. We don’t have any family pictures taken of us with our children, which is a shame. There are very few pics of me with my children when they were babies. Yet another way I’ve allowed fat to rule my life. Moments I won’t get back. So this is the one I found. This is me in all my glory. Well, as much as you can see. You can clearly see I’m hiding behind the kids and the island the best I can. Pitiful…LOL

I’ve made myself a promise. In a year or so, this will be the picture I point to and say “This was me before I decided to take control of my health.”

"Fat" Habits

I was doing laundry today and it dawned on me how many habits there are that fat people use to cope with everyday situations. Habits that perpetuate the fat lifestyle we are leading. For example, I always automatically without even thinking about it pick a table over a booth at a restaurant. And if I don’t want to make an issue about picking a table and get stuck with a booth, I will try to be the first person at the booth so I can pick the widest side of the booth to sit on regardless of who I am with. Time to face facts here…ugh I hate this part… I am usually the biggest person there anyway, including my husband. Yep, I just admitted. I am freaking bigger than my husband who is a big guy anyway. Crap, this whole honesty thing may just kill me yet…LOL

Okay, I digress. Back to fat habits. I may be writing about these occasionally as I face them myself and try to change them. The one I faced today was a laundry habit. Hanging clothes to dry. When you are fat you tend to hang as much stuff as possible regardless of the care label on the clothing. You don’t want it to shrink even a little bit because that may mean you needed to buy a bigger size in the first place or have just plain outgrown the one you are wearing now. You don’t admit those are the reasons. You come up with a lot of other reasons…the material is really too delicate and they messed up the care instructions (oh, yeah, right…LOL), you don’t want the color to fade, it’s cheaper, etc. So you hang them…lots of them. For a while there, you could barely get into our bathroom because of the amount of clothes that were hanging up to dry.

Well, unless the care label says to hang dry, I’m not going to do it anymore. Most items don’t shrink in the dryer anymore and if they do it’s a negligible amount. Sure, they may feel tighter when they come out of the dryer. That’s normal and they usually loosen up as you wear them. And if they don’t, well, chances are pretty good it isn’t the dryer’s fault...it may be that Mud Pie I ate at Elephant Bar (1100 freaking calories people…I looked It up!!). It’s up to me to make sure my clothes don’t get tight by eating right and exercising. Actually it’s up to me to make them loose so I can indulge my shopping habit and buy some new clothes in a smaller size!!

The Journey Begins

Realized I don’t want to be fat anymore – check.

Understand that the key to losing weight is eating less calories than I burn – check.

Now what?

I needed a plan. What can I do to help myself? Well, I control (yep that word again…LOL) the grocery shopping, so no more crap. No more donuts, pop tarts, ice cream, chips, etc. No more fast food.

I decided to start with the South Beach diet. Yes, I know it is not a permanent solution but I wasn’t looking for one. I needed something to start me off. Something to help with the cravings and SBD does work for that. I did it for 2 ½ weeks...no carbs – meaning no bread, rice, pasta, etc. Just concentrated on meat, veggies and good fats. I lost 9 lbs during that time. It was a great start. And while I know I’m going to get impatient (patience is NOT one of my virtues and I’m very clear on that), it took me 8 years to put this weight on so I won’t take it off in 8 days…or even 8 months. Something I have to remind myself of often. I have 169 lbs to lose to hit my goal weight of 175 lbs. I may go lower after that but I’m happy at that weight. I have a naturally athletic frame (even though I’m in no way athletic) so I can wear a size 10 or 12 at that weight. Compared to the 28 I currently wear, that is an awesome idea.

Back to SBD. It did what I needed during that 2 ½ weeks. Got me back on veggies which I love and fish. I stopped craving sweets so badly. I can’t live this way and I know it. I realized a lot of people I know are on Weight Watchers and doing well with it. I decided to try that again, but use the online version because I don’t have the time or the inclination to go to meetings. I have two babies at home and just don’t want to have to juggle meetings in my schedule. Signed up for WW online and now it’s time to get down to exercise.

Enter the Wii. The best thing since sliced bread, as far as I’m concerned. I can exercise in my house at my own pace and my workout changes all the time. I love the EA Sports Personal Trainer and the sequel More Workouts. They are great and I can do a variety of exercises. Also can workout as long as I want which changes day to day. Some days it’s 20 minutes and other days it is 60 minutes.

I’ve been on WW for 5 weeks now and I’m down a total of 19 lbs. I fit in clothes I haven’t been able to wear in a while. Even wearing denim on days I’m staying home just because I can comfortably wear them all day. Threw the hubby for a loop last weekend. He saw me in my denim capris and asked where I was going. That made me laugh because he is so used to seeing me in sweats at home. The only time I would struggle into my jeans was if we was going out of the house. I told him I was wearing them because I could. And damn if I didn’t keep those pants on until 10pm that night. LOL

Results so far are good. I can stand up from a sitting position without thinking about it first. I move differently. I can feel muscles move that I forgot I had. I can exercise and feel good about it. It’s still a struggle to get going some days because I don’t like to exercise, but once it’s done…wow. I feel good. Those experts that say you feel better after exercising may have been right…damn them! LOL

Now that you are all caught up with where I’m at, this blog will be different. More about the day to day struggles and triumphs. I’m hoping this will keep me honest…keep me motivated…and maybe help someone else out there realize they are not alone.

Hello, I'm Fat.

Blogging about my weight…probably the weirdest thing I’ve ever done. Also, extremely uncomfortable. When you are fat, you spend all your time trying to hide it (even though in my case it’s ridiculous to think it’s hidden). Openly talking about it feels weird, wrong, …forbidden. But I think that is probably part of the problem itself. If I don’t talk about it and no one else talks about, then I can pretend it’s not there. Which is a probably a huge part of why I find myself where I’m at right now…a very overweight 38 year old woman.

Most people don’t think about it this way but when you are fat you are very self-centered. Everything becomes about your weight…well, since I’m writing this, about my weight. Taking the kids to see Disney on Ice becomes less about the kids and more about “Will I fit in the seat?”. A family trip to Disneyland is no longer about enjoying a fabulous vacation with your family and more about “Will I fit in any of the rides? How do I avoid even trying?” Camping is a nightmare of immense proportions. Sitting at picnic tables which are uncomfortable and difficult to get into but are really the only choice because the thought of breaking another camping chair is paralyzing (been there, done that…too embarrassing). Sleeping on an air mattress in a tent is fine when sleeping but having to get off it is a chore especially in the middle of the night when you have to go to the bathroom. Dressing in a small space when your body takes up most of it, is annoying and downright difficult. Even something as simple as riding in someone else’s vehicle takes on mammoth proportions of importance because what if the seatbelt doesn’t fit? And airplanes are just out of the question.

You learn to adjust to all of these situations. You learn to adapt to try to make it less difficult, but the ways you have to adapt are embarrassing in and of themselves. And you never complain because complaining would draw attention to it. So, you end up angry and miserable and just wish you could stay at home where you are safe.

And if you are like me, those feelings of anger and embarrassment are difficult to process, so you eat. Eat to drown them out, eat to feel better, eat because it is easy and nothing else in your life is.

That’s been my life for the last 8 years. I’ve gotten married during that time period, had two children, bought a house, a new car, a trailer, toys, etc. Had good and bad times…and dealt with all of it by eating. I’m an emotional eater. Not really a surprise, considering I can look back at my life and pinpoint the exact tragic moment when food became the thing I turned to for comfort. And I’ve carried that on for 24 years. I’ve let it rule my life. I had a nice stretch from ’97 to ’01 when I was healthy and much smaller. I was in control for a while. Even went to my 10 year high school reunion smaller than when I was a freshman (and yes that was FABULOUS!!) but I missed my 20 year because no way was I going back bigger than I’d ever been. Another part of life that passed me by because I was too fat.
I was laid off from my job In November 2009 after the bank I was working at failed and was shut down. Not only did I lose my job but I lost my health insurance. I had just started the WLS program at Kaiser and was due to have bariatric surgery in February or March of this year. That was no longer an option since I was uninsured and couldn’t afford the insurance on my own. That, of course, sent me into a downward spiral and I managed to gain 6 more lbs during the time I’ve been off. Just what I needed…I was now up to 344 lbs. (Ohmigosh, did I actually just write that and put it out for everyone to see?!! I may be sick!) I was miserable about my weight and how I felt. Everything took so much energy and I just didn’t want to participate in life anymore. My last chance to lose weight was gone with my job. And I discovered it is harder than ever to find a job in this job market. I have never had a hard time finding a job. Part of me feared it was not only the job market but my weight that was making that difficult. I lost all my confidence in everything. I hit rock bottom…finally.

A couple of months ago, I had an epiphany. I realized that I wasn’t being fair to myself, my husband (who has never once said a bad word about my weight…he just loves me), or my children. Especially my children who don’t deserve to have an unhealthy mom. They are still very young (2 and 4) and will need me for a very long time. I needed to get it together and I realized that I have one trait that could help me if I channeled it the right way. A trait that some consider good and some consider bad...depending on who you are in my life..LOL

I am a control-freak. Ask anyone and they will tell you I like to be in control of everything. How I had always managed to not be in control of what I ate is beyond me. I realized I couldn’t take control of losing my job or making it easy to find a job in this job market. But I can control one thing….what I put in my mouth. I don’t have a disease (Lord knows I made those doctors check over and over and over) or a medical reason to explain why I am this obese. I’m fat because I eat more calories than I burn. Simple as that.