Hello, I'm Fat.

Blogging about my weight…probably the weirdest thing I’ve ever done. Also, extremely uncomfortable. When you are fat, you spend all your time trying to hide it (even though in my case it’s ridiculous to think it’s hidden). Openly talking about it feels weird, wrong, …forbidden. But I think that is probably part of the problem itself. If I don’t talk about it and no one else talks about, then I can pretend it’s not there. Which is a probably a huge part of why I find myself where I’m at right now…a very overweight 38 year old woman.

Most people don’t think about it this way but when you are fat you are very self-centered. Everything becomes about your weight…well, since I’m writing this, about my weight. Taking the kids to see Disney on Ice becomes less about the kids and more about “Will I fit in the seat?”. A family trip to Disneyland is no longer about enjoying a fabulous vacation with your family and more about “Will I fit in any of the rides? How do I avoid even trying?” Camping is a nightmare of immense proportions. Sitting at picnic tables which are uncomfortable and difficult to get into but are really the only choice because the thought of breaking another camping chair is paralyzing (been there, done that…too embarrassing). Sleeping on an air mattress in a tent is fine when sleeping but having to get off it is a chore especially in the middle of the night when you have to go to the bathroom. Dressing in a small space when your body takes up most of it, is annoying and downright difficult. Even something as simple as riding in someone else’s vehicle takes on mammoth proportions of importance because what if the seatbelt doesn’t fit? And airplanes are just out of the question.

You learn to adjust to all of these situations. You learn to adapt to try to make it less difficult, but the ways you have to adapt are embarrassing in and of themselves. And you never complain because complaining would draw attention to it. So, you end up angry and miserable and just wish you could stay at home where you are safe.

And if you are like me, those feelings of anger and embarrassment are difficult to process, so you eat. Eat to drown them out, eat to feel better, eat because it is easy and nothing else in your life is.

That’s been my life for the last 8 years. I’ve gotten married during that time period, had two children, bought a house, a new car, a trailer, toys, etc. Had good and bad times…and dealt with all of it by eating. I’m an emotional eater. Not really a surprise, considering I can look back at my life and pinpoint the exact tragic moment when food became the thing I turned to for comfort. And I’ve carried that on for 24 years. I’ve let it rule my life. I had a nice stretch from ’97 to ’01 when I was healthy and much smaller. I was in control for a while. Even went to my 10 year high school reunion smaller than when I was a freshman (and yes that was FABULOUS!!) but I missed my 20 year because no way was I going back bigger than I’d ever been. Another part of life that passed me by because I was too fat.
I was laid off from my job In November 2009 after the bank I was working at failed and was shut down. Not only did I lose my job but I lost my health insurance. I had just started the WLS program at Kaiser and was due to have bariatric surgery in February or March of this year. That was no longer an option since I was uninsured and couldn’t afford the insurance on my own. That, of course, sent me into a downward spiral and I managed to gain 6 more lbs during the time I’ve been off. Just what I needed…I was now up to 344 lbs. (Ohmigosh, did I actually just write that and put it out for everyone to see?!! I may be sick!) I was miserable about my weight and how I felt. Everything took so much energy and I just didn’t want to participate in life anymore. My last chance to lose weight was gone with my job. And I discovered it is harder than ever to find a job in this job market. I have never had a hard time finding a job. Part of me feared it was not only the job market but my weight that was making that difficult. I lost all my confidence in everything. I hit rock bottom…finally.

A couple of months ago, I had an epiphany. I realized that I wasn’t being fair to myself, my husband (who has never once said a bad word about my weight…he just loves me), or my children. Especially my children who don’t deserve to have an unhealthy mom. They are still very young (2 and 4) and will need me for a very long time. I needed to get it together and I realized that I have one trait that could help me if I channeled it the right way. A trait that some consider good and some consider bad...depending on who you are in my life..LOL

I am a control-freak. Ask anyone and they will tell you I like to be in control of everything. How I had always managed to not be in control of what I ate is beyond me. I realized I couldn’t take control of losing my job or making it easy to find a job in this job market. But I can control one thing….what I put in my mouth. I don’t have a disease (Lord knows I made those doctors check over and over and over) or a medical reason to explain why I am this obese. I’m fat because I eat more calories than I burn. Simple as that.