The Little Fat Girl Inside

Do you have that voice inside that tells you it’s okay to skip exercising, eat the entire chocolate cake, have that extra bowl of ice cream? I do. I think of her as the little fat girl inside of me. She causes so many problems. I thought I had her under control. Silly me…sigh.

Saturday night/Sunday morning I had a little binge. I gobbled down 4 Mock Ice Cream Sandwiches one after the other (cool whip, chocolate pudding, graham crackers). They are only 2 points each on WW. Normally, not bad at all but since my points had just rolled over for the next day, I was going to lose 8 points right off the bat. I really didn’t want that. And the little b**** made her appearance and started whispering her snide comments to me:

“Just don’t put them down. No one will know.”

“Ohmigosh..you ate FOUR of them. Everyone will know you are a pig.”

“Don’t tell, don’t tell, don’t tell.”

Oh, I hate her! These are the same things she has always whispered to me my entire life. She is the reason I dealt with my emotions by eating in secret. Why I ate spoonfuls of sugar right out of the jar when my parents left the house as a kid. Ate 6 donuts in a row and hid the box. Ate a huge fast food meal and hid the bags. She has always been there telling me to hide, hide, hide. Don’t let anyone know. Telling me how horrible I am all the while encouraging me to do it. She is the personification of my eating disorder…I am a binge eater. The eating disorder specialist I was referred to while being treated for post-partum depression diagnosed me. Not that I didn’t already know. I might have hidden it from others but I know what I’ve eaten and how I eat it.

But there was as difference this time. I decided I wasn’t going to listen to her. I had done really well over the last few months. I didn’t binge at all and I was meticulous about journaling everything I ate. I was acknowledging what I ate on a daily basis. No more secret eating. No more hiding. That was over. I was in charge in now…not that fat little girl.

I reminded myself that WW is about acknowledging what you eat and making good choices. I can have anything I want to eat. Nothing is off-limits (or illegal, as my hubby says..LOL). I just have to accept responsibility for what I eat. And the only person I was cheating if I lied about it or ignored what I ate was me. So I wrote it down and subtracted my points. And with each point I subtracted, I pushed that fat little girl further away. I shackled her. I gagged her. I locked her away in a closet in my mind.

And I felt good! I didn’t fall back into a bad habit with an old friend. I was proud of myself. Now, I’m not fooling myself. I know she isn’t gone for long and somehow she will escape her shackles and be back to whisper in my ear during my next weak moment. But I know I can handle her now. She is no match for me! Bring it on baby!